Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
               Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
                                Be open. Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
                                Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
                                Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
                                Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom's needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
                                Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
                                Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!
                                Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" violates your Submissives trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game!
                                Have fun! After all, You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.

Be patient! A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.               Be humble. You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.                                Be open. You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends.                                Communicate! Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency - wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.
                                Be honest. Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.
                                Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don't always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.
                                Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse it.
                                Be really submissive! This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
                                Be healthy! SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.
                                Have fun! After all, You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play.

SM is your new slave, blindfolded, masturbating, and telling her secret fantasies, while you watch and listen to every marvelous detail.
               SM is falling asleep with your hands and feet bound - and the dreams.
                                SM is the gal at the party who asks if she can try on your handcuffs.
                                SM is the proud African youth in National Geographics, with a skewer through his cheeks, and knowing that you both know what you know.
                                SM is how hot her ass feels when you caress the welts.
                                SM is putting up with a picky uncertain submissive, novice-new, who doesn't know how to say what she wants to say; but finally she gets down to it, and takes your breath away with the magnificent totality of her submission.
                                SM is all the people explaining why SM is so bad, knowing nothing about it, and you want to giggle, because they're so serious.
                                SM is the perfume of sweaty leather.
                                SM is your fifth anniversary, and all your friends hold and cuddle you while your lover has a professional piercer put a gold ring through your labia. Afterwards she holds you, and you'd do anything for her.
                                SM is the uniform in your closet, waiting for Saturday night.
                                SM is being absentminded at work on Monday.
                                SM is being taken downstairs blindfolded and handcuffed. After you're stripped and tied up, the blindfold comes off, and you see it's soundproof...
                                SM is hurting the one you love, just exactly right.
                                SM is wondering what your co-executives would say if they knew about the welts and the sticky panties underneath your conservative suit.
                                SM is wishing you could afford everything at the SM shop.
                                SM is seeing a branding, done right, and marveling "how easy!"
                                SM is how good your nipples feel when the clamps are perfect; and then the little bite more, and how your nipples adjust to accept that too.
                                SM is the humiliation of discovering that your new slave is far more experienced than you are.

BDSM is a convenient abbreviation for most of the interesting activities discussed in alt.sex.bondage. It's so convenient that it packs six initials into four letters: B&D/D&S/S&M => BDSM. It's generally understood to include related activities/phenomena that don't fit strictly into any of those three catagories. An "umbrella term" like this is useful because so few actual (as opposed to theoretical) activities fit into _only_ one catagory.
               Bondage deals with tying people up (or being tied up). Or chaining them up, or restraining them with straps, or straightjackets, or ... well, you get the idea, no? In theory it can be enjoyed simply for its own sake -- the sensations and images of it. In fact, some people do enjoy bondage as bondage, without any interest in D&S or S&M, but far more people find it pushes their D&S buttons at the same time, or use it only for the D&S aspects, or combine it with D&S and/or S&M.
                                Dominance and submission deals with exchange of power, trust, obedience, role-playing, "slavery" ... one person submitting to the commands of another. Like bondage, it can exist as a separate phenomenon, but it's likely to incorporate the others. Bondage may be used to enhance the feeling of submission. Pain-play (i.e. S&M) may be used to emphasize the position the submissive is in or as punishments for disobedience.
                                S&M sort of stands for "sadism and masochism", but not quite the same way the psychiatric establishment uses those terms. So it's less confusing to keep the phrase tidily together as "S&M". S&M involves strong sensations. It's associated with pain, in particular, in most people's minds, but in fact pain is only one class of sensations used. Furthermore, some stimuli which would ordinarily be perceived as pain are not perceived as pain by some participants when in an S&M headspace! (Note that I said "some".) While I don't have statistics on this, it's my impression that S&M is the one phenomenon of these most likely to occur without the others. Nonetheless, it is quite common for one's interest in S&M to be in the context of bondage or D&S (the pain makes it so very much clearer that one can't get away because one is tied up, for example) or simply _alongside_ an interest in bondage and/or D&S.
                                Interestingly, while most "vanilla" (i.e. not-into-BDSM) people do not consider tickling to be a BDSM activity, many BDSM folks do.
                                More terminology
                                Some people like to tie people up, whip people, or give orders. Others like to be tied up, like to be spanked or whipped, or like to obey. Because so many of the words one might use to describe these preferences seem specific to just one aspect of BDSM, push people's buttons, or only fit the ways some people play, folks in the scene use the generic terms "top" and "bottom". (Note that these words have a different meaning in gay male culture, if I'm not mistaken.)
                                In bondage, a top likes to tie up bottoms. In S/M, a top likes to provide strong stimulation (pain or otherwise) to a bottom. In D&S, a top orders or controls a bottom. A "switch" is someone who enjoys being both a top and a bottom.
                                Note that it's not always the top who's in control of things -- in fact, much less often than the other way around! For example, a bottom might ask to be tied up, and his or her top might decide to honour that request, asking the bottom if there were any particular things he or she wanted the top to do to him or her tonight. Also, many people use "safewords", code phrases that mean, "I'm not just playing, I really need you to stop." If a couple uses a safeword, the bottom can stop the current activity by using the safeword.
                                Some people claim that the bottom is always the one who's really in control, no matter how things look. They're mostly right, but things can get more complicated.

BDSM is a convenient abbreviation for most of the interesting activities discussed in alt.sex.bondage. It's so convenient that it packs six initials into four letters: B&D/D&S/S&M => BDSM. It's generally understood to include related activities/phenomena that don't fit strictly into any of those three catagories. An "umbrella term" like this is useful because so few actual (as opposed to theoretical) activities fit into _only_ one catagory.
               Bondage deals with tying people up (or being tied up). Or chaining them up, or restraining them with straps, or straightjackets, or ... well, you get the idea, no? In theory it can be enjoyed simply for its own sake -- the sensations and images of it. In fact, some people do enjoy bondage as bondage, without any interest in D&S or S&M, but far more people find it pushes their D&S buttons at the same time, or use it only for the D&S aspects, or combine it with D&S and/or S&M.
                                Dominance and submission deals with exchange of power, trust, obedience, role-playing, "slavery" ... one person submitting to the commands of another. Like bondage, it can exist as a separate phenomenon, but it's likely to incorporate the others. Bondage may be used to enhance the feeling of submission. Pain-play (i.e. S&M) may be used to emphasize the position the submissive is in or as punishments for disobedience.
                                S&M sort of stands for "sadism and masochism", but not quite the same way the psychiatric establishment uses those terms. So it's less confusing to keep the phrase tidily together as "S&M". S&M involves strong sensations. It's associated with pain, in particular, in most people's minds, but in fact pain is only one class of sensations used. Furthermore, some stimuli which would ordinarily be perceived as pain are not perceived as pain by some participants when in an S&M headspace! (Note that I said "some".) While I don't have statistics on this, it's my impression that S&M is the one phenomenon of these most likely to occur without the others. Nonetheless, it is quite common for one's interest in S&M to be in the context of bondage or D&S (the pain makes it so very much clearer that one can't get away because one is tied up, for example) or simply _alongside_ an interest in bondage and/or D&S.
                                Interestingly, while most "vanilla" (i.e. not-into-BDSM) people do not consider tickling to be a BDSM activity, many BDSM folks do.
                                More terminology
                                Some people like to tie people up, whip people, or give orders. Others like to be tied up, like to be spanked or whipped, or like to obey. Because so many of the words one might use to describe these preferences seem specific to just one aspect of BDSM, push people's buttons, or only fit the ways some people play, folks in the scene use the generic terms "top" and "bottom". (Note that these words have a different meaning in gay male culture, if I'm not mistaken.)
                                In bondage, a top likes to tie up bottoms. In S/M, a top likes to provide strong stimulation (pain or otherwise) to a bottom. In D&S, a top orders or controls a bottom. A "switch" is someone who enjoys being both a top and a bottom.
                                Note that it's not always the top who's in control of things -- in fact, much less often than the other way around! For example, a bottom might ask to be tied up, and his or her top might decide to honour that request, asking the bottom if there were any particular things he or she wanted the top to do to him or her tonight. Also, many people use "safewords", code phrases that mean, "I'm not just playing, I really need you to stop." If a couple uses a safeword, the bottom can stop the current activity by using the safeword.
                                Some people claim that the bottom is always the one who's really in control, no matter how things look. They're mostly right, but things can get more complicated.

Hard copy of this book and many others is available through QSM. Order books by phone at (415) 550-7776, or visit their amusing and informative web site at www.qualitysm.com. Comments about this book should be directed to forwardthis@qualitysm.com, attention Author of A Player's Handbook. Enjoy this information, and I hope it helps educate anyone who ..
If you are already an experienced player in the BDSM lifestyle, some of the cautions in this book may be too strong for you, since you already know how to play safely at a level that you and your partner are comfortable with. Please feel free to seek other input and to rely on your own experience (and your partner's consent) to decide how stringent your safety precautions need to be.
Play happy, play safe, and above all have fun!
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
B&D Bondage and Discipline, or B&D, is yet another acronym used for sexual activities involving erotic restraint and slave/Master or slave/Mistress fantasy games.
Bottom An S&M term describing the submissive or masochistic partner in a scene. The word "bottoming" is sometimes used as a verb.
D&S Dominance and Submission, or D&S, is a more appropriate term to describe playing with power and trust in an erotic way. D&S play can include, but is not limited to, S&M play.D&S play between consenting partners can also be entirely nonphysical and confined to the realm of fantasy.
Gender play Gender play is a term used to describe the erotic exchange of gender, usually between partners. A man and a woman may exchange genders in their play, with the man dressing and behaving as a woman and the woman as a man. Alternatively, they may both decide to play as women, or as men. Gender play is different from transsexuality, because it is much less serious and more in the nature of a fantasy game.
S&M The common term for sexual or erotic activity involving the giving and recieving of pain and pleasure. The letters of the expression refer to sadism and masochism. Although, strictly speaking, the term refers only to physical play, it is sometimes generally used to encompass dominance and submission play (D&S) as well. Some people spell this term SM to indicate that sadomasochism is one word and one lifestyle, not two.
Top An S&M term used to describe the dominant or sadistic partner in a scene. The word "topping" is sometimes used as a verb.
TV/TS Transvestite/transsexual. A TV is a man or woman who likes to wear the clothes of the opposite gender, and/or play with exchanging gender with their partners. A TS is a man or a woman who feels strongly that they are in the wrong body and that they are actually of the opposite sex. A TS may be pre-op, meaning that the individual still has the physical characteristics of the sex that they were born with, or post-op, which means that they have already had an operation to transform them partially or wholly into a member of the opposite sex. An MTF, or male to female, TS is more common than a FTM, or female to male.
Watersports A term generally used to describe the eroticization of games having to do with urination and/or defecation, and occasionally enema play.

PLAYING SAFE

If you like to play with your partner's body in an S&M or fantasy way, there are things you should know about safe sex practices. Dildo play, bondage, spanking and discipline and other forms of erotic power exchange can and should be a fun and creative way to enhance your sexual relationships. If you choose to practice them, please do so safely.

1. Always designate some word or signal that ends the play, so
that the submissive partner's limits are not being violated. The classic safe word for SM play is "Mercy." If one of the players says this word, the play is too heavy and should temporarily be stopped for negotiation. Negotiate a scene and discuss limits before playing.

2. If you penetrate the anus or vagina with any object, make sure that object is one that is meant for that purpose. Dildos are ideal for gentle insertion, but most household items are not. Do not insert anything in a cunt or ass that is rough or has sharp edges. If you accidentally perforate the lower intestine, you may get peritonitis, a potentially nasty disease. If you abrade the inside of the vagina, an uncomfortable and itchy infection may follow. Make sure that you do not insert anything too far up inside. If you cannot easily grip it and draw it out, there is the very real possibility that you will not easily be able to get it back out.

3. Practice safe sex. If you use a dildo on more than one person, or on more than one orifice on the same person, use condoms and wash carefully with soap and water to avoid transmitting disease and bacteria. Use only water-soluble lubricants with condoms. If you practice oral sex, use a condom or dental dam.

4. Never leave anyone unattended in bondage. Bondage that cuts off the circulation, such as cock and ball bondage or nipple clamps, should not be left on for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Never use bondage that puts any pressure on the front of the neck.

5. Safe areas of the body to whip or spank are the upper back and the buttocks. Areas to whip with caution are the lower back, thighs, upper arms, genitals, chest and calves. Areas to whip ONLY with an
extremely light cat are the stomach, forearms, the bottoms of the feet and the palms. Areas NEVER to whip are the kidneys, the tailbone, the spine, the neck, any joint such as the knees or elbows, or any area such as the shins where bones are close to the surface of the skin.

6. If you practice watersports, do so safely and preferably with a monogamous partner. It is currently thought that urine does not transmit the AIDS virus, but that feces can if there are traces or blood in them and if they are ingested or if they contact broken skin. Blood, semen and vaginal fluids can definitely transmit the virus, and should not be ingested or put into contact with your skin. Even a microscopic lesion in your skin can be enough to transmit the virus, if it has contact with an infected fluid.

WHAT IS S&M?
The term "S&M" technically refers to sadomasochism. However, it is more broadly used to describe a whole range of fantasy games and erotic play that can include the use of restraints and other toys such as whips and paddles on a love partner. Although many people assume that S&M always has to mean harsh physical abuse, in reality, many of the people who choose to play with erotic power prefer do so gently. Fantasy bondage can be done with a silken thread, or can be left entirely in the imagination of the partners. A fantasy whipping can be delivered by the clapping of your hands, or with a whip made of the softest rabbit fur. If these games sound exciting, then this manual is for you.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with going much farther with S&M games, as long as you have a consenting partner. If you and your partner enjoy every spanking, tight bondage and heavy whipping, then this manual is also for you - especially the sections on technique and S&M safety. The primary difference between a fantasy whipping and a real one is one of quantity, not of quality. The emotions experienced and enjoyed by both partners are much the same in either case.
The words "slave" and "S&M" tend to conjure up images of force, coercion and oppression in the mind of the average person. The classic examples of slavery in this country involve the brutal mistreatment of Negros and Native Americans by callous and impersonal tormentors. Is it any wonder that the D&S (dominant and submissive) lifestyle is less than socially acceptable in today's world?
In reality, S&M play can and should be fun, sexually arousing and satisfying for both partners. Erotic power play can range from light- hearted and fun fantasy scenes to physically and emotionally intense sessions. Regardless of the intensity of the play, S&M can be a powerful transformational tool as well as an exciting enhancement of any relationship.
The props and roles of the S&M scene are those of slavery. The outsider sees the chains, the whips, the riding crops, the devices carefully calculated to cause pain. These tools are physically no different than those which have been used over the centuries to maintain fear and oppression among the enslaved.
On a strictly physical basis, there may be no difference between an intense S&M scene and an actual rape or incident of abuse. The blows of the whip are real. The verbal abuse and humiliation may sound severe and degrading. But the underlying psychological dynamic of what is happening in an incident of physical or mental abuse is drastically different from that of a typical S&M scene. There are several elements which are present in a scene that are not present in an incident of actual abuse.
First, there is consent. The submissive has freely agreed to submit him or herself to the dominant, without any kind of physical or emotional coercion. Second, there is trust. The submissive knows that he or she can set the limits for the session, and that these negotiated limits will not be violated. Third, D&S is personal. The dominant is always intensely aware of what the submissive is feeling. Rather than hurting casually, he or she inflicts measured amounts of pain and erotic stimulation to watch the response. Typically, since most S&M play occurs between love partners, the dominant partner cares about what the submissive is feeling.
What D&S is all about is playing with power and trust. One partner is powerless, the other all-powerful. There is a bond of trust between the partners. The excitement of a D&S scene has been compared to being tossed up high in the air and knowing that you will be caught by strong arms. The scary, exhilarating sensation of brief flight can be enjoyed because you trust someone to catch you. There is fear and there is the feeling of danger, but these emotions are transformed into a pleasant and enjoyable rush of adrenaline because you know that you won't really get hurt. The thrill of "safe danger" is something that appeals to all of us, judging from the crowds of people who wait to ride the roller coasters and enter the Haunted House at Disneyland.
Many outsiders to the scene believe that you have to be sick to want to be dominated or to want to dominate someone. Even people who have a deep craving for S&M play sometimes feel guilty and ashamed of their "sick" desires. They see S&M in the same way that outsiders do, without an Master/Mistress.

5. I am sternly DISCIPLINED for being naughty. Six with the birch, ten with the rod, and a severe spanking is in order for me. "Drawers down!" I am ordered, and I obediently bend over.

6. The dominant desires a TOILET SLAVE to serve her. "Take my golden shower, Slave!" s/he demands.

7. PAIN is my Master's/Mistress' aim. I will suffer during the session. I will be hurt for his or her pleasure.

8. I am a SLAVE in need of TRAINING. My Master/Mistress will train me to behave as s/he desires.

9. I am the PET of my owner. I will be treated like an ANIMAL. I may be made to behave like an animal.

10. My Master/Mistress commands me to worship his/her FEET. I lick and suck each toe as ordered.

11. My Master/Mistress enacts certain RITUALS with me. They are very specific, and meaningful.

12. I like certain FETISH objects, such as leather, rubber, or latex.

13. Certain parts of my body, such as my nipples, are objects of abuse and TORTURE for my Master/Mistress.

14. My Master/Mistress is very intimidating and controls what I feel. I will feel fear, love, worship and other intense EMOTIONS during the session.

EXPLORING YOUR FANTASIES - FOR THE DOMINANT PARTNER
Unless you are totally opposed to switching roles, both partners should read through the following list. Each partner should select three items that they would find erotic at least some of the time.

1. I want to DOMINATE my partner and control his/her every action. S/he must willingly submit to me.

2. I want to FORCE my partner to submit to me. S/he may struggle at first, but I know s/he will eventually give in to me.

3. I would like to spank or whip my partner, in order to inflict erotic PAIN.

4. I have to PUNISH my naughty partner. S/he has been very bad, and deserves my punishment.

5. I like to see my partner DRESS up (or undress) and pose in a sexy way for me. I may want him or her to masturbate for me.

6. I want to OWN a collared slave, who must do what I say.

7. I want to SWITCH roles with my partner. S/he starts out trying to dominate me, but I gain the upper hand, and subdue him/her.

8. I would like to put my partner in BONDAGE. I can tie him or her up, and then do anything that I want.

9. I would find it exciting to put my partner in a sexually HUMILIATING situation, or to call him/her sexually degrading names.

10. I want my partner to serve me as a TOILET slave.

11. I would like to treat my partner like an ANIMAL and train him or her as such.

12. I would like to train my partner to enact certain RITUALS that I find meaningful.

13. I have a particular FETISH that I want my partner to cater to.

14. I would like to play with my partner's EMOTIONS, and make him or her have feelings such as fear, worship and desire during a scene.
FETISH AND FANTASY
Choose one or more items or roles from each of the following lists that you would like to experiment with in your scene.

Fetish Items
1. Rubber 9. Latex
2. Leather 10. Gags
3. Shoes 11. Dildos
4. Panties and nylons 12. Women's clothing
5. Collars 13. Ropes
6. Steel cuffs 14. Fur
7. Hairbrushes 15. Food
8. Blindfolds 16. Garbage

Favorite Roles
1. Schoolteacher 10. Nurse/Doctor
2. Naughty baby 11. Priestess
3. Amazon Queen 12. Schoolgirl
4. Mommy/Daddy 13. Governess or nanny
5. Policewoman 14. Soldier
6. Pet dog 15. Trained pony
7. Secretary 16. Sister/brother
8. Female slave 17. Houseboy
9. Male slave 18. Maid

Favorite Scenes
1. Spanking 12. Tickling games
2. Bondage 13. Verbal humiliation
3. Rape 14. Physical humiliation
4. Kidnapping fantasy 15. Victorian/English discipline
5. Hot wax 16. Sensory deprivation
6. Piercing 17. Body worship
7. Branding 18. Infantilism
8. Genital torture 19. Toilet training and golden showers
9. Enemas 20. Being a forced sex slave
10. Slave auction fantasy 21. Playing with food
11. Whipping 22. Cross dressing/feminization
Keep in mind that all of these fantasies can be played out in a mutually satisfying manner, while remaining safe, gentle and consensual. A castration fantasy, for example, can be played out as a fantasy without really damaging someone. "Branding" can be done with a Magic Marker for those low on pain tolerance and not into permanent marks. Serious scenes such as actual branding and piercing should only be done in reality by experienced practitioners.

NEGOTIATING A SCENE
Once you and your partner have read over the lists of fantasies, roles, scenes and fetishes, and you have decided which elements you would like to incorporate into your scene, you can begin play. You can begin play with anything from a general idea of your partner's likes and limits to a complete and elaborate script. Most people like to at least work out a rough "script" for the scene, including the roles and elements that will be introduced. Here are some examples of possible scripts.

S&M FANTASY #1: Sensory deprivation, bondage, sensation play
He is dominant. He will tie her up and blindfold her, then alternately tickle and sexually tease her. Some of the props include a blindfold, soft nylon ropes, a feather, a rabbit fur, an ice cube, and possibly a whip or paddle.

S&M FANTASY #2: Body worship, whipping, sexual teasing. She is dominant. He is harshly ordered to his knees, from where he must kiss and lick any part of her body that she tells him to. She will then whip him until he begs for mercy. When he finally begs for mercy, she will sexually tease him until he has an orgasm.

S&M FANTASY #3: Role-playing (principal and schoolgirl), spanking
He is dominant. He is the headmaster of a private school, and she is a naughty schoolgirl. He administers a stern lecture and an over-the-knee spanking. Props might include a ruler (great for giving a light spanking) and a cute schoolgirl costume.

S&M FANTASY #4: Gender play, whipping, sexual humiliation
She is dominant. He is cross-dressed as a young woman. She catches him borrowing her lingerie and becomes angry, denouncing him as a slut and referring to him in the female gender. She whips him soundly and calls him sexually degrading names.

S&M FANTASY #5: Role-playing (burglar and victim), rape fantasy
He is dominant. He puts on a ski mask and "breaks in" to her bedroom. He then rapes his "unwilling" partner and generally does whatever he wants, stopping only when she uses the safe word or safe signal.

S&M FANTASY #6: Role-playing (medical fantasy), submission
She is dominant. She is a doctor who must give him a complete physical exam. She pokes and prods him in various private places, and he can do nothing but submit to her. She handles his cock and balls with authority, giving him pleasure at her whim. Possible props for this scene include latex gloves and lubricant for anal play.
These are just a few examples of the S&M scenes that you can create from the ideas given here. Let your imagination be your guide.

BEGINNING PLAY
Once you have decided to play, negotiated a scene and worked out a basic script with your partner, how do you begin? It is not always easy to make the transition from being Mr. and Ms. John and Mary Smith to playing the roles of an Amazon priestess and her temple slave. Even if you are doing a straight S&M scene as opposed to a fantasy, getting mentally and emotionally into your dominant and submissive roles can take some work. Unless you live a total S&M lifestyle, you have probably spent the day thinking of your partner as your spouse, lover or friend. Switching over to thinking of him or her as your slave, your Master or your Mistress takes some doing. Careful preparation is the key.

If you are playing out a specific fantasy, it helps to set one room such as the bedroom aside for your play. Make sure that all of the props that you will need are already in the room. Remove or temporarily hide any obvious items in the room that will detract from your fantasy. You don't have to do a complete redecoration, but if you are playing the roles of a medieval princess in a dungeon and her rescuer, you should probably at least drape a cloth over that television and VCR that is sitting on the dresser. Likewise, the Exercycle and digital scale should get put out in the hall for the time being.
If you are not playing in a fantasy world, you don't have to be quite as drastic in what you remove, but keep in mind that some things are not sexy under any circumstances. Put the dirty clothes on the floor in the hamper, make the bed with crisp, new sheets, and take the cat's litter box out to the garage for the evening. Messes are a turn-off.
You would be surprised how sexy a change of bedroom scenery can be. You don't have to put mirrors on the ceiling, but a new, erotic painting or poster for the wall or outrageous pink satin sheets on the bed might put some extra spice in your lovemaking.
Costuming is also important. A simple outfit consisting of black pants and a black sweater can be the basic backdrop for a dozen different roles, with the addition of a few simple props. If your fantasy role is that of the headmaster of a private school, try putting on an appropriately sober-looking business suit. If you are expressing the "naughty", blatantly sexual side of your nature, wear a garter belt, fishnet stockings and a bra. Keep in mind that both of these costumes can be appropriate for either sex! There is no reason that she cannot wear the business suit while he puts on the filmy lingerie. Playing with gender as well as fantasy roles can be a stimulating addition to your sexual repertoire.
To actually step into a fantasy, both of you will go into the room that you have designated for play. Discuss the final details of the scene and check the scenery for any obvious flaws (the Exercycle in the castle dungeon, et cetera). Then, one partner leaves the room for a few minutes. It is agreed that when he or she steps back in, it will be in role, and the fantasy will have begun.
STARTING AN S&M SCENE
An S&M scene can be begun in much the same way. A room is prepared for play, and the partner who is to play the submissive role is left in it for a few minutes, possibly naked or in bondage or both. When the dominant partner steps in, the mindset of the scene has already been established. The submissive partner has already had a few minutes in an appropriate setting to adjust to his or her role. The dominant partner has had time to collect his or her thoughts and decide what to do.
For more spontaneous S&M play in an ongoing relationship, it is important to develop rituals that demarcate the boundary between normal, day to day behavior and slave/Master or slave/Mistress behavior. Just as it would be inappropriate to treat your dominant or submissive partner as an equal during intense S&M or fantasy play, it is inappropriate to behave like a Master, Mistress, or slave when you are not playing. The only exceptions to this rule are couples who are totally committed to living an S&M lifestyle twenty-four hours a day. Unless both partners are very
experienced, trying to live in your dominant and submissive roles all of the time is probably a bad idea. Chances are that one or both of you will rapidly discover that the fantasy of being a total slave or a total owner is much more fun than the reality. The fantasy can end whenever either person feels like relaxing in the company of an equal partner rather than playing a game. The reality involves an awful lot of responsibility on both sides, and you don't get a break from it.

RITUAL
Most couples prefer to draw a sharp line between their fantasy roles and games and their interaction in real life. This is where ritual comes in handy. One possibility is to "key" the D&S behavior to an object such as a slave collar. If the submissive partner is wearing the collar, both partners are in their D&S roles until the collar comes off. The ritual that draws the line and puts them into role is putting on the collar.
The ritual may also be entirely verbal. It may be as simple as having one partner say to the other, "You are a slave." Or it may be much more complex, involving symbolic bondage or discipline as well as a verbal response. An good example of this kind of ritual is given in the previous book in this series, A Tangled Web: The Art of Slavery, available by mail from the author for $15.95.
If one partner is feeling particularly dominant or submissive for the evening, he or she might start to initiate the ritual. Unless the couple is in a fully committed D&S relationship, the other partner does retain the option of refusal. For instance, the ritual collar might normally be kept in the closet or in the couple's toy box. If either partner desires to initiate the ritual that begins dominant and submissive Interaction, they might take the collar and put it on the kitchen table or in another visible spot. If the other partner also desires to play, he takes the collar and either puts it on himself or locks it around his partner's neck, depending on who will be dominant for the evening.

HOW TO PLAY
QUICK REFERENCE - STARTING A SCENE
1. Using the lists given in this document, agree on the elements of an S&M scene that mutually excite you.
2. Choose a safe word that ends play or signifies that it is time for the dominant partner to ease up on what he or she is doing. If you
are playing out a fantasy, you may want to decide on an additional word that temporarily allows you to exit the fantasy. A typical S&M safe word is "mercy," while any out-of-context word or cue such as "sunrise" can be used as a signal to step out of a fantasy.
3. Decide who will be dominant. Some couples prefer to switch roles, whereas some will be more comfortable in set roles. Neither is inherently "right" or "wrong", although I do recommend experimenting at least initially with both dominance and submission. There is no shame in playing the submissive role in a fantasy game, and it can be an awful lot of fun besides. Switching roles is also a good way to show your partner what you would like to do or what you want to have done to you when you switch back.
4. Put together some basic idea of what you will do in the scene. This can be anything from agreeing on a few elements ("Let's explore bondage and cross dressing") to a very complex and detailed script.
5. Prepare the room for play. Tidy it up and make it as much of an appropriate setting for your scene as you can. Gather all of the props and toys you will need to do your scene. Nothing is more annoying that not finding the toy you need at an intense moment.
6. Enact the ritual that begins play. A ritual is anything that you decide it will be, from putting on a slave collar to verbalizing the
titles of your dominant and submissive roles. ("You are a slave" -"Yes, Master/Mistress.")
7. Have the most fun, sexual arousal, emotional fulfillment and thorough enjoyment that you possibly can.
Once you have gone through all of these steps and are actually playing with your partner, what do you do? There are a number of fun and enjoyable S&M activities that you can play with, such as bondage, spanking, whipping, cross dressing and anal play. Some safety tips and enjoyable techniques on these activities follow.

BONDAGE
Bondage is probably one of the most common forms of S&M activities. It is estimated by sociologist Charles Moser that at least 10% of the population has used erotic restraint at some time or another.
The classic form of love bondage is with a silk scarf. Unfortunately, as sexy and romantic as that sounds, it is a poor choice of material. A silk scarf will tighten very easily, cutting off circulation. A much better and safer material for bondage is thick, soft nylon rope. Sold in hardware stores for .15 to .40 cents a foot depending on thickness, it is not only visually appealing, but reasonably comfortable as well. The thicker the diameter of the rope, the more comfortable the restraint will be. Any rope 5/8" or thicker is generally comfortable for bondage.
Readily available at many novelty stores are inexpensive metal handcuffs. Don't use them unless your bondage bottom is also a masochist. They cut off circulation, leave deep red marks on your wrists, and they tend to slip their notches until they are too tight. If you have a fetish for metal, invest in a good pair of police cuffs that lock into position and won't slip. Expect to pay from fifty to eighty dollars for a really good pair of police cuffs. Some specialty stores also carry metal shackles for the ankles. These are also fairly expensive ($80 or more), but worth the price if they are of good quality.
Even soft rope will tend to cut off circulation if not tied expertly. If you are not a natural Eagle Scout and do not have ready access to anyone who will teach you how to tie good bondage knots, cheat. Securely fasten soft, wide leather cuffs around the wrists and ankles of your victim. You will then find it easy to fasten these cuffs to the bedposts or to anything else that is handy, without having to worry about your partner's hands and feet turning blue.
If you are not lucky enough to own a Victorian four-poster bed, you can still make do. You can purchase four screw eyes at any local hardware store for just a few dollars. These are the things that look like screws but have large, closed hooks on one end. Make sure that the diameter of the eye is large enough to get your thick ropes through, and install them discreetly on the wooden frame of your bed. You now have a bondage device that will allow you to tie your partner spread eagled to the bed.
In bondage, as in every other S&M activity, exercise caution. Always make sure that your partner's circulation is not being cut off by touching his or her hands and feet every few minutes. If they have grown noticeably colder, circulation is being impaired and you should loosen the bonds. Never put any kind of pressure on someone's throat with bondage or with a collar. Never leave someone unattended in bondage for more than a few minutes. If your partner's hands are tied behind his or her back, do not allow a sudden change of position that puts pressure on the arms, as it is easy to dislocate a shoulder in this position. In case of an emergency such as fire or earthquake, keep a pair of shears on hand so that you can IMMEDIATELY release someone from bondage. It is always better to be safe than sorry.

PROPS AND TOYS
Although some couples are content to play exclusively in the realm of fantasy, the appropriate toys can enhance almost any scene. In almost any large city, there are a number of specialty shops that sell an amazing variety of sex toys. However, you will find that many of the toys that you can use in an S&M scene can be found at home or in a general store for a lot less money.
You can easily assemble a collection of S&M goodies without going to any specialty stores. Toy stores frequently carry games that come with some useful goods, such as replacement ping pong paddles, handball paddles, and other such items. Most general stores carry rulers and hairbrushes, which make excellent spanking toys. Wooden spoons can also be fun to spank with, and chances are there may already be a few in your kitchen. If you are looking for a heavier paddle, try a wooden or plastic cutting board, the kind with a convenient handle on the end. If you want a good fantasy whip, try a peacock feather or a feather duster. For heavier equipment, try a tack or riding gear shop. They usually carry a good selection of leather quirts and riding crops. S&M toys do not have to be made of shiny black leather to be enjoyable.
Unless you can make your own, you will have to obtain leather cuffs and collars at a specialty store. I recommend going to a store that specializes in leather gear and S&M equipment rather than to a more typical adult bookstore. The S&M goods that they sell in most adult bookstores are usually either shoddy or overpriced or both. A good set of leather cuffs should run you between twenty and thirty dollars, or slightly more if you want them padded. A simple leather collar should cost from ten dollars to twenty dollars. Extremely complicated bondage gear is usually custom made, available only from a few specialty stores, and can run into the hundreds of dollars.
Of course, if you have the time, you can make your own set of leather toys for only a few dollars, after the initial investment in a set of good leatherworking tools. Tandy's is a chain of craft stores that specializes in leather crafting. Although they mostly cater to YMCA members and scout troops wanting to earn their merit badges, I am sure that their employees would be quite shocked if they knew how many S&M'ers owe their equipment to Tandy's.
Even if you are not a dedicated crafter, you might want to try this simple project. Go to a hardware store and have a short, thick dowel cut about 18' long and 3/4" to 1 1/4" diameter. Purchase a handful of carpet tacks as well. Depending on your tastes, obtain either a rabbit skin or some soft leather from a local craft shop. Cut the leather or fur into strips about 12" long and 1/4" to 1/2" wide. Rabbit fur will shed hair profusely when cut, so take appropriate precautions. Tack about ten to twenty of these strips onto one end of the dowel, on the outside of the dowel rather than on the end, in an even circle. When you have enough strands to make a respectable short whip, finish it by gluing a strip of leather around the end of the dowel, over the carpet tacks. Use a good
leather glue, which is obtainable in most craft stores. The result will be a light, sensuous whip that you can use in any S&M or fantasy scene.

THE JOY OF SPANKING
While spanking can be a lot of fun, it is important to be able to do it enjoyably and safely. Toys used to spank with can range from leather or light balsa wood to heavy, dense wood or plastic. It is safe to use an open hand or a paddle of almost any weight on the ass. The human buttocks can take an amazing amount of punishment safely, because of the thick layer of fatty padding that occurs over the gluteus maximus. The only unsafe toys to use on the buttocks (or anywhere else, for that matter) would be anything made entirely of metal.
Metal spiked or studded paddles may be used with caution by an experienced spanker, on the buttocks only. If you break the skin, be sure to maintain sterility with the use of an antiseptic (I recommend Betadine or Hibiclens) and latex gloves, especially if you do not normally "share germs" with your partner.
The general rule is, the denser and heavier a toy is, the more potentially dangerous it is. Most of the heavier paddles are only safe
for use on the ass, because of its protective layers of fat. No heavy paddles should ever be used to strike any other part of the body, because of the potential for actual injury rather than erotic pain. If you want to play with other parts of your partner's body, there are other toys that are far better suited for that purpose.
Canes, crops and cats can always be used safely on the buttocks, provided your aim is good. You can generally gauge the areas that are safe to hit by following the crease between the ass cheeks. Don't hit above it, because you will run into the kidney area, which is extremely sensitive and can put someone in the hospital if it is struck too heavily. Hit below it with caution, because you may be striking the sacrum (the human "tailbone") at an angle that can break it if you are using a heavy paddle. At the least, you will be striking in an area that does not have the protective layers of fat.
The backs of the thighs are another frequent target of a spanker's attentions. These must be spanked with caution, because even a light paddle or an open hand can cause painful muscle bruising that may leave someone limping for days. A heavy paddle or an incorrectly wielded cane or crop can actually tear or severly damage the muscle tissue, possibly causing long-term problems. The backs of the knees should never be struck with anything, because of the potential for damaging or detaching the tendons. The calves can be safely whipped with a cat or a light cane or crop, but again, you need to be careful to avoid damage to the underlying muscle. The ankles and shins cannot be struck at all, and the bottoms of the feet can be whipped with extreme care. While human feet are pretty tough and will generally take no lasting damage from a light whipping, you may render someone unable to walk without pain for a few days.
Does all of this sound scary? It should. While SM injuries are fortunately fairly rare, they do happen. A would-be dominant should
definitely learn how to spank safely before doing any serious experimentation.
Once you learn how to spank safely, you are well on your way to learning how to spank enjoyably. It is actually possible to give your partner an orgasm by simply spanking him or her slowly and rhythmically, if you know what you're doing. Of course, you may not necessarily want your naughty partner to enjoy the spanking you are giving, but it's always nice to know how to reward as well as punish.
In order to deliver the most enjoyable and erotic spanking possible, you need to be able to give a good warm-up. Begin fairly lightly, especially if your partner is new to the idea of being spanked. Try to establish a steady rhythm. The ideal rhythm should be a lot like your preferred sexual one, and should allow your partner to be stimulated by the constant, rhythmical pressure of his or her genitals against your leg as you spank.
The tender area at the juncture of the thighs and ass is a good place to deliver the spanking. In addition to being quite sensitive, it is also an erogenous zone. Don't forget to intersperse your smacks with a lot of rubbing and caressing.
If your partner seems tense or inhibited, you might want to raise the level of sexual excitement by touching and stimulating his or her
genitals as you spank. If a person is in a state of sexual arousal, he or she can usually take a lot more in the way of erotic pain.
My personal preference for delivering an erotic spanking is the bare hand, slightly cupped for maximum effect. While I enjoy an over the knee spanking, another favorite position of mine is to have my partner on all fours on a bed or sofa. This way, I can stand roughly parallel to his waist and really put my shoulder into the spanking. A broad, medium weight paddle of a light-grained pine or other moderately dense wood is also nice, especially when lined or covered with leather to reduce the sting a bit.
I keep a delightful paddle of burnished oak that is about an inch thick and a foot wide which I would never allow into the hands of an inexperienced spanker. I like to use it on very heavy masochists and also for a regular spanking when my arm gets tired. I just kind of lift it up and drop it over a slave's ass, and let the weight of the paddle do all the work.
Basically, anything made of leather, wood or plastic that has a broad surface is safe to spank with. Be careful when you are using toys with a small or thin striking surface, because they can concentrate a great deal of force on a small area. Stick to toys with large surface areas in proportion to their weight. Never use anything made of metal, and stay away from the parts of the body that are unsafe to spank, such as the kidneys, spine, sacrum, joint areas, and shins.
A good general rule to follow for body parts is that if it has a lot of padding, it is probably safe to spank. If you would be hitting on or near bones, tendons, or internal organs without a good layer of fat an muscle interposing, it is probably unsafe to spank.

WHIPPING
If you want to whip your partner, be sure that you can do it safely as well as enjoyably. The classic image of an S&M whip is a blacksnake or bullwhip, ten feet of braided black leather normally used to chastise draft horses and cattle. Unfortunately, this type of whip is difficult to use safely, since your partner does not have the tough hide of a horse or cow. When a bullwhip is cracked correctly,
it makes a loud snapping or popping noise. What makes this noise is the very tip of the whip actually breaking the sound barrier. Needless to say, a piece of thick leather moving at this speed can do some serious damage to tender human flesh. Unless your bottom is a serious masochist and doesn't mind lasting welts and marks, your bullwhip should probably stay hanging on the wall as a fantasy prop.
It is possible to learn to use a bullwhip safely, but practice repeatedly on the back of a chair before bringing one near your partner. If your aim is bad and you strike your partner in the face, he or she could sustain a serious eye injury. If you have had little experience with heavy whipping, you might want to attend some classes or demonstrations on the subject before actually attempting it.
You should be careful when using any whip or toy on your partner. Never strike anyone on or near the face with a whip. It is too easy to cause an eye injury or other serious damage to the face. If you want to play with your partner's face, careful open-hand slapping is the only really safe way. To slap safely, cup one side of your partner's face in one hand firmly and slap with the other hand. This helps prevent a whiplash injury to your partner's neck.
Other areas that are unsafe to strike with most whips are the kidneys, any joint area, or any area of the body such as the spine, shins or forearms where bones are close to the surface. A very soft cat o'nine tails is safe to use on these areas gently, however. A fantasy whip such as a long peacock feather, a length of silk cloth or strips of rabbit fur can be safely used almost anywhere except the face.
If you use a cat o'nine tails, which is a whip made of long strands
attached to a handle, make sure that your aim is good. Before you begin to strike, measure out the length of the strands on your partner's back or ass so that the very end of the strands stop in the middle of the surface area. Don't allow the strands to fall beyond the surface area that you are striking. Even a relatively light blow can cause painful red welts if the strands are allowed to wrap around rather than fall on a flat surface area.
If you use a riding crop, make sure that you are capable of striking with the leather tip alone rather than with the entire length of the crop. Use the palm of your hand as a practice target, and you will quickly learn the trick of "snapping" the leather tip smartly. Strike only on a well-defined surface, and do not allow the tip to wrap around. A cane is a much harsher instrument, and should be used with caution. Unlike a crop, about a foot of its length is used to strike with. Like a crop, it should be used on a flat surface and not allowed to wrap around.

CROSS DRESSING
There are a fairly large number of men who find erotic satisfaction in dressing up in women's clothing. That really isn't too surprising,
considering that in our straightlaced society, men traditionally aren't allowed to be pretty and sexy. The role of a blatantly sexual and
desireable person is a liberating one to play, and it is no wonder that many men enjoy it.
A man who learns to get in in touch with his feminine side can be a far better lover and partner for it. A woman who chooses to play the role of a sexually aggressive male now and then can learn what it's like to express that side of her nature. Gender play can be very enlightening for a couple, as well as sexually exciting. Cross dressing is a lot like okra. Most people either love it or hate it. If you think that cross dressing is a nasty furtive perversion engaged in exclusively by nasty furtive people, think again and try it sometime. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much fun you'll have.
Actually dressing up isn't always easy. It can be difficult finding sexy women's clothes and lingerie in the appropriate sizes.
The best place to go to collect a large wardrobe in your size for relatively little money is, believe it or not, a Goodwill or other thrift
store. They sell a good deal of lingerie and women's clothes in the larger sizes, and none of the clerks will look twice at a man whom they assume is buying clothes for his wife or girlfriend. Official Goodwill stores always wash and disinfect the clothes thoroughly before offering them for sale. Merchandise you can purchase from other thrift stores is usually well cleaned, but you might want to wash them again anyway.
Most lingerie items range from one dollar to five dollars, dresses from fifty cents to twenty dollars, and blouses and skirts for a few dollars each. I have quite a nice selection of pretty lingerie and dresses for men in large sizes that I have bought from local Goodwill stores.
Thrift stores also sell very nice ladies' handbags, wigs, costume jewelry, and occasionally shoes big enough to fit the bigger girl. I have had less luck with purchasing shoes at these stores, since it generally takes a ladies' size ten or larger to accomodate a man.
Of course, you can always go into a department store to shop for clothes, but it is a little awkward trying them on. You might take your measurements and a measuring tape along, but that can be quite time- consuming. If you do try this, there are several measurements you will need to get. You will need to measure how big around your waist is, the length of your hip to your ankle, the length of your shoulder to your waist, how big around your chest is, how long your arms are, and the length across your shoulders. These are the `problem areas', where your body is not likely to match the lines of the manufactured garments. Even if an outfit looks like it might fit you as it hangs on the rack, it may not. You will need to either try it on or take some careful measurements.

The classic TV excuse is that of gift shopping. It is actually true that more men than women buy lingerie, especially around the holiday months. Of course, if you are trying the stuff on, it is a little more difficult to explain.
Catalog shopping is another possibility. There are some catalogs that cater exclusively to cross dressers, offering women's clothing, wigs and shoes sized to fit the big girl. Many of the more conventional catalogs, such as Frederick's or Sears, do make lingerie in larger sizes, and describe the measurements of the garments in their listings. In general, the items sold through a catalog are designed with an eye towards fitting different body shapes and styles within their size category, which may give you a better chance at finding something flattering that fits you.

ANAL PLAY
Anal play can definitely be an enjoyable form of alternative sexual exploration. The novice spelunker should be aware that poking, prodding and insertion in this area should be practiced with due caution. Cleanliness should always be a concern. If you are doing finger or even fist insertion (yes, that's possible with time and lubrication), always use a latex glove and a water-soluble lubricant. Oil-based lubricants act like acid on rubber and latex, eating microscopic holes in condoms and gloves in about 40 seconds flat. If you are using a dildo one more than one person or in more than one orifice, use a condom. Change the condom before switching from anal to vaginal insertion. Wash the dildo with soap and water after each usage. Use a latex glove when you are inserting a finger into your partner's ass, even if you normally share germs with your partner. If you have even a tiny cut, scrape or hangnail on your finger, you are asking for a potentially nasty infection.
If all of this is too much for you to remember, buy two dildos per female partner and one dildo per male partner. Label them clearly, something to the effect of: "Mary - front" "Mary - back" and "George". This eliminates the necessity for water-based lubricants and condoms, though not for washing in soap and water. This goes for orifices as well as instruments, especially if oil-based lubricants such as Crisco have been used. Leaving a residue of grease inside a cunt or ass invites bacteria to breed there by the millions, so don't forget to wash up.
Probably the most important thing to remember about anal play is safety. Dildos, fingers and penises are generally safe to insert in an ass, as long as you make sure that you don't lose the object inside an ass. Old jokes notwithstanding, fingers and penises have a built-in handle in the shape of a human being which cannot get lost up an ass, making them the safest things for insertion. Wing nuts, live gerbils, dead chickens, metal spoons and most small objects are not safe things to put up your ass (or anyone else's). One would think that this should be self- evident, but a friend of mine who has spent ten years doing emergency room duty in a San Francisco hospital assures me that he has seen all of these things and more surgically removed from someone's rectum. Remember that even a small perforation inside the rectum can cause a serious case of peritonitis, and be careful about what you are inserting where.

FANTASY ROLE-PLAYING: HOW TO "CHEAT" SAFELY
It is sexy to erotically redecorate your bedroom and use new and exciting props in your play. It is also considered sexually stimulating to go to bed with many different partners.
It is fairly easy to revamp the playroom and buy a new set of leather cuffs. Unfortunately, direct sexual contact with multiple partners in this day and age is nothing short of suicidal. Although you can play safely in an S&M or fantasy way with as many people as you like, it is unwise to risk your health by going any farther sexually with more than one partner. Even if you use protection, keep in mind that condoms can break under strain. They can also have undetectable, microscopic holes in them from their manufacture or from improper storage. While water cannot visibly seep through these tiny holes, they are quite permeable to the AIDS virus as well as a host of other unpleasant STD's. Sexual monogamy is the safe and sane way to go in the 1990's.
No matter how much you love your partner, monogamy can become sexually boring. Even if you liven up your sex life with tools, toys and S&M play, doing it with the same person night after night can turn stale.
So what's a sexually adventurous person to do? I would recommend fantasy role playing. Fantasy role playing is an excellent way to "cheat" with may different sex partners while remaining physically monogamous. Role playing is subtly but powerfully different from a simple fantasy scene. Instead of playing a defined role, you create a distinct persona with his or her own quirks and personality traits. A persona is different from a role, because you are playing a "real person" rather than a rapist, a slave, a virgin, or a business tycoon.
A persona named Jane, for instance, may be a quiet and shy virgin. She works at a local library, and does not often date. She likes wearing cotton skirts and simple, schoolgirl-type outfits. Jane has a huge stuffed teddy bear that she still keeps in her room, and her favorite foods tend to be sweet things like ice cream and other desserts. With just a few sentences, we have created a distinct persona in which you can play with your partner. Keep in mind that Jane can be an alternate persona for either a man or a woman, and can be dominant or submissive.
A male persona might be named Vincent. Vincent is very macho and aggressive, and is a successful business tycoon. He enjoys the finer things in life, like cruising on his yacht. He is a playboy type, but very intense in his emotions about a woman while an affair lasts. He might be dominant, or he might secretly long to be dominated. As with Jane the demure librarian, Vincent can be the alter ego of a man or a woman.
By creating these diverse personas, you can have the thrill of going to bed with someone very different from your regular partner as often as you like. You can also take a mental "vacation" from yourself in a different persona. You may feel more free to express parts of your nature that you are more inhibited about when you are being your "real self".

THE SOCIAL SCENE: MEETING A DOMINANT WOMAN
Those who seek a regular D&S relationship can sometimes find it through regular sessions with a professional Mistress, but most men find that visits to a pro are not as emotionally satisfying as a relationship with a real, live dominant woman. Also, the cost of weekly or even monthly sessions can be prohibitive, with the average session running from $100 to $200 hourly.
Probably the best way to meet a dominant woman is through an SM social club or support group. After all, you will seldom meet your dream Mistress at the public library or even at the local singles bar. Even if you did, she is hardly likely to be dressed in her leathers. Should you approach a woman who DOES happen to be clad in leather by dropping to your knees and kissing her boots, she will likely stare at you in extreme consternation before departing quickly for her 2:00 PM riding class.
Mainstream society is picking up on a lot of S&M and leather imagery in its current fashions, and leather boots does not a dominatrix make.
How do you go about introducing yourself to a dominant woman? Even at the meeting of an SM social club, approaching a dominant female in a groveling and submissive manner can get you looked at funny. Although you are a submissive male approaching a dominant female, and you feel that you should show proper respect, she sees things differently. She wants to decide when, where and if you are going to play, and here you are initiating SM play without her active consent. Be respectful, but not groveling, in your approach.
Introduce yourself politely and respectfully. If you feel that it might be appropriate, ask her permission to call her "Mistress." Without being overtly sexual or explicit, offer yourself to her for the duration of the event for whatever she desires - fetching drinks, massaging her feet, lighting her cigarette, or anything else she might desire. You may also tell her than you are always open to serving a dominant woman, and offer her your phone number. Then, BACK OFF. There is nothing more annoying to a dominant woman than a man who tries to pressure her into playing when and where she doesn't feel like it. If you are lucky, she will use you for several small tasks during the evening. She may even call you
later.
If she does call you, be ready to serve her. Rather than demanding that she cater to each one of your fantasies, as you might with a pro, submit yourself to anything safe, sane and reasonable that she might desire. You may respectfully mention that you are experienced in certain areas of SM, or that you have always fantasized about having a woman tie you up and whip your cock, but do this very carefully. If she doesn't shareyour particular proclivity, she may be turned off.
You might also ask what her favorite forms of SM play are, in case she has interests that you do not share. Chances are, she won't do anything too heavy to you on your `first date', and she will probably respect your stated limits. In case she doesn't, or if you feel uncomfortable telling your Mistress what she can and cannot do, you should establish a safe word.
It is important to play with a safe word, especially if you do not know your partner well. Although most members of SM organizations take advantage of their programs and lectures on SM safety and are fairly well informed on this issue, not all of them are 100% experienced, and it is wise to have a safe way to inform your partner that you are not comfortable with something she is doing.
Using the safe word indicates that one particular facet of the scene has become unbearable, whether physically or psychologically. The time to use the safe word is when the whipping becomes too intense and painful, or if she is about to give you a golden shower when you are decidedly not interested in one. The fact that there is a safe word does not mean that you should invoke it every time the spanking starts to sting a little. The more you give yourself to her, the more you make your Mistress happy, the more likely she is to call you again.
If the first scene between the two of you works, you will probably want to see this Mistress again. So who calls who? Some people would say that it is always the Mistress' place to call, since she is in charge of the relationship. I would disagree. You should call her one or two days after you have played to thank her sincerely and tell her how much you enjoyed serving her. Offer yourself once more for play, anytime she desires to use you. You may also offer to clean her house, mow her yard, or perform other menial tasks for her as a token of your appreciation.
In fact, you should be prepared for her to accept your offer of service literally. Rather than immediately deciding to engage in quasi-sexual SM play with you, she may set you to scrubbing her floors. She may or may not stand over you, whip in hand. If this is in line with your fantasies, well and good. If it is not, and all you want of a dominant woman is for her to do specific things to you while you are tied up naked in her dungeon, you are not a slave. You are a slightly kinky masochist, and you should probably stick to seeing a professional.
The male submissive needs to remember that he is not the Goddess' gift to dominant women. Quite the other way around. If he expects the privilege of being at a woman's feet, he should be prepared to earn it. Housework and other forms of slavish service should be eagerly offered as a tribute to your Mistress' superiority. After all, there are 19 other slaves waiting eagerly to take your place, and she knows it.

MEETING A SUBMISSIVE WOMAN
If you are a male dominant looking for a submissive woman, you are in for an even harder time. Most women are much more reluctant to trust a stranger to play with them if they are being submissive.
One possible way to approach a woman whom you would like to play with is by offering to switch roles in the initial play, with both of you taking turns assuming the dominant role. This might get her to trust you enough to play with you as a submissive.
As with approaching any woman, be tactful. Crude or tasteless cruising or behaving in a dominant manner before she has consented to play will not get you anywhere, even with the most submissive of women. After all, regardless of her sexual orientation, she still exercises the right to choose whom she submits to. Until she submits to you in a play situation, you have no right to treat her with anything but respect.
After she agrees to play, you may unceremoniously upend her, spank her and call her a whore, if that is the game you decide to play, but certainly not until then.
Respect limits and play safe. Better yet, get a good reputation in the S&M community for respecting limits and playing safe. Experience and reputation tend to count for a lot more than age or looks in the S&M community. I have seen young, good-looking, leather-clad male dominants standing around looking wistful at an S&M party while two older gentleman got all the dominant action. The gentlemen in question were dressed fairly casually. One of them was extremely pudgy, to put it mildly, and the other was frail and slightly built. The difference between them and the younger, hot-looking male dominants was that they had been around in the community for years and had the reputation of being trustworthy, whereas the younger set were not very well known by anyone. I am not suggesting that you gain weight or dress casually for an S&M party; far from it. A good fetish wardrobe will definitely enhance your chances for play. But experience and a good reputation is more important by far.
Once you have gotten a submissive woman into a play situation, you have a delicate tightrope to walk. She obviously desires you to be dominant, but at the same time, you do not want to scare her off by being too pushy or insistent. If after the first time she submits to you, you tell her that you are going to brand her, pierce her nipples and weld a slave collar to her neck, she is going to flip. Wait until you have more of a relationship established before you push for further intimacy or commitment.
Pursuing a relationship with a submissive woman is not much different from pursuing a relationship with a straight woman. You can generally rely on the old-fashioned male role in such a relationship, with you doing the pursuing, calling, paying for dates, et cetera.

MEETING A MAN: FOR WOMEN
If you are a woman, whether dominant, submissive or switch, the answer is fairly simple. Join an S&M social club and attend the parties and meetings, and the men will typically flock to you.
Even if your body does not conform to this society's image of perfect beauty, experience and a good reputation definitely counts for a lot in the S&M community. A strong willingness to play and experiment with different scenes and different partners is considered a refreshing characteristic in a woman, and an eager "player" is always in demand at the parties.
If you are worried about the safety of playing with a number of men, you are wise. Take appropriate precautions against exchanging bodily fluids and make sure your partner knows what he is doing. If you are being submissive, you may want to set firm limits on the men you play with.
You may wish to arrange to play in a public place, such as at an S&M party. The serious S&M community is heavily self-policing, and if anyone is seen to be violating limits or playing unsafely, he or she will be stopped immediately. First-time offenders have it gently explained to them that the technique they are using is unsafe. Word spreads quickly in the S&M community about habitual offenders, and they are made unwelcome at play parties. Likewise, someone who is high or drunk is usually asked to either leave a party or to refrain from play until he or she is sober enough to play safely. Believe it or not, getting tied up at a serious S&M party is about the safest thing in the world.
What if you have explored the club scene and come to the conclusion that all the men currently attending are not your style for one reason or another? Keep in mind that although every SM group has its officers and core membersm new people are always coming and going. If you live in a large metropolitan area, chances are there is more than one SM social group in your area. If you do not, or if you have already checked out all of the open groups, you might try a discreet advertisement in an appropriate publication. Be prepared to deal with massive volumes of mail. Any woman who advertises an SM interest is bound to attract a great deal of response. Some of it will be rewarding and interesting to answer; some of it may be downright obscene or illiterate. But you certainly will have a good number of possibilities to explore.

MEETING A GAY PARTNER
Whether you are a lesbian woman or a gay man interested in SM, you should know that there is a supportive social community out there for you. Gay men in particular can usually find an evening date, if not necessarily a long-term love relationship, in one of the numerous gay leatherbars located in most large metropolitan areas. Notably, Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York and Chicago are areas famed for their gay male leatherbars. Some of these bars welcome leather-clad gay women as well, although some of them do not. You will need to check with the individual bar as to its preferences and policies.
Lesbian woman are beginning to be more public about their affiliations. Numerous quality publications have been put out by women for women, most notably the lesbian journal "On Our Backs". The personal advertisements in this publication tend to be serious and well-written, and they invite quality responses. There are some wonderful support organizations that offer social contacts for women into leather and S&M. Several are listed in the S&M Resources section of this manual.
As in the heterosexual S&M community, good tops are much more rare and in demand than bottoms. A submissive, whether gay man or lesbian woman,needs to be exemplary in terms of skill, experience and good "bottom" manners in order to attract a top.
While physical appearance certainly counts, especially in certain segments of the gay male community, reputation and experience counts for at least as much. A top who wants submissives to play with is well advised to gain a reputation in his or her community for skill and safe play.

THE PROFESSIONAL SCENE: FEMALE DOMINANT
If you cannot find a willing partner to play with socially, there is always the professional scene. It has been estimated that in the active S&M scene, male submissives outnumber female dominants about 20 to 1. So what's a lonely slave to do? It isn't easy to find a Mistress to love, serve, worship and otherwise have a relationship with.
If you thumb through the pages of any local sex or swingers magazine, you can find numerous ads for the services of "Blond, busty Mistress Ilsa," "Mature, experienced dominatrix," or even "Nurse Anice Von Enema." Due to the limitations of space in these suggestive ads, you know little more about these Mistresses than their assumed name and favorite fetish. Calling these diverse Dominatrixes can be somewhat more informative, but is more frequently frustrating.
You: "Hello, I would like to speak to Nurse Anice Von Enema."
Voice on phone: "Do you know Nurse Anice?"
You: "No, I'm calling from the ad."
Voice on phone: "Maybe I can help you. Were you looking for a nurse fantasy session today?"
You: "Uh, I'm not sure yet. I'd like to talk to the Mistress....is she
here?"
Voice on phone: "I'm Nurse Anice. What would you like to know?"
You: "I'd like to know more about you. Are you really dominant? I mean, there are a lot of people out there who are in it for the money."
Voice on phone: (slightly irritated) "Of course I'm dominant. Now do you want to make an appointment to see me today?"
You: "No, I mean, are you dominant in your real life? What are you like as a person? Could I get to know you? Are you for real? I mean, Anice Von Enema can't be your real name. I'd like to know more about you before I strip naked in front of you and submit myself, if you don't mind."
Voice on phone: (long pause) "Look, it sounds to me like you just want to play games over the phone. Why don't you call up a phone sex service..... I don't do phone freaks." (Click).
What happened? You, the submissive, have an understandable desire to know a little more about a woman to whom you are going to bare your most intimate fantasies and desires, not to mention your slightly out-of-shape bod. She, the Mistress, understandably believes that you're one of the numerous crank callers she gets on a daily basis.
So what's to do? In terms of seeing a professional, most submissives choose not to ask too many questions and to simply make their
appointments, hoping against hope to find the perfect Mistress. They do their session with a Mistress who begins as a stranger to them, hoping to find satisfaction by having their fantasies realized.
As with anything else you spend a good deal of money on, you should shop around before deciding to do a session with a Mistress. While certain questions, or too many questions, will almost certainly annoy any professional Mistress, there are a few which are wise to ask.
First of all, does she play safe? Is she AIDS-conscious? How many years of experience does she have? Does she use a safe word? Does she do sessions under the influence of alcohol or drugs?
Second, is she active in any of the SM social clubs or organizations?
You cannot ask a Mistress if she is "really interested in S&M" and expect to get a straight answer. But if she is active in the S&M social scene, it is a good indicator of a genuine interest. If her interest in S&M is limited to paying customers, this is a good way to find that out.
These questions, phrased politely, are generally not offensive to a Mistress of any caliber. You can also save yourself a lot of effort by going directly to a more specialized magazine or even the newsletter of a large SM group to seek a Mistress. Most amateurs don't even know about some of the more specialized SM publications such as Dominant Mystique or Fetish World, let alone advertise in them.
It is important to spend some time comparison shopping for a safe, sane and experienced Mistress. Many novice Mistresses use unsafe tools and techniques, and may give you a little more pain than you bargained for, or even a lot more. Whipping and genital torture, two fairly popular scenes, should never be conducted by an inexperienced Mistress. There are areas on the back, including parts of the spine and just over the kidneys, which should never be struck with a heavy instrument. Obviously, cock-and-ball torture scenes require both caution and experience to enact safely. Even basic bondage can become dangerous if done by a novice, as prolonged and tight bondage can interfere with blood circulation. Tight cock and ball bondage, if left on too long, can actually cause some of the smaller blood vessels in the penis to rupture, causing an ugly hematoma. If you've never seen a hematoma bruise on a cock, it looks like someone stuck a small, squishy bag of purple ink under the skin. Although they are not actually dangerous, they do take weeks to disappear and are hard to explain to your wife or doctor.
Safe toys include leather cuffs and collars, riding crops, paddles, and clothesline or other soft restraints. Toys that are generally unsafe include cheap metal handcuffs, dildoes used without condoms, and any whip, paddle or cane made of anything denser than wood. Canes, heavy wooden paddles, and long whips are safe only in the hands of an expert. Basically, use your common sense - don't let a mistress use any toys on you that look like they could possibly cause more pain than you are comfortable with.

THE PROFESSIONAL SCENE: MALE DOMINANT
Anything unsafe to use on you is equally unsafe to use on a professional submissive. Most professional submissives are experienced enough to subtly control the direction of a session, as well as specify the equipment that they allow used on them. They will almost always specify a safe word which they will invoke if the session gets too rough, meaning that it's time to lighten up on the spanking or whipping. Respect this safe word. A submissive may pretend to be unwilling, pleading "Oh please, Master, don't punish me" in the context of your mutual fantasy, and expect to be ignored, but when she uses the prearranged safe word, it's for real. If you don't honor it, she will holler. Many professional Mistresses and S&M houses keep a bouncer around in case customers get too rough. Even if the house you visit does not, you really don't want to make yourself unwelcome to any S&M house, since they do exchange information about troublesome clients.
Finding a professional submissive can sometimes be difficult, and presents many of the same problems as finding a professional Mistress. You do not always know how co-operative a professional submissive will be in a session. Although you should probably not expect to find someone who will allow an extremely heavy session, there are always some professional submissives in the business who are either obviously insincere or will set limits that are unreasonably stringent or both. As with a professional Mistress, affiliation with a social S&M club or support group is a good indication that she is in the business because she wants to be.

THE PROFESSIONAL SCENE: GAY
There are a few professional gay dominants in almost every large city. To my knowledge, all of them cater to gay males. Male escort or massage professionals who do some dominance at a customer's request are somewhat more common that serious gay tops, however. Unlike professional dominant women, male professionals are usually willing to have sex with their clients. It is critical to insure your safety when you are visiting one of these professionals. While there are a number of serious, reputable gay tops in whose hands you will be safe, there is an equal or larger number of men advertising as dominants who do not deserve the title.
They do not play safely, they may play under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and they may carry the AIDS virus. This can be equally true of heterosexual dominants, incidentally - AIDS doesn't discriminate between gay or straight, man or woman, if you play unsafely.
The best place to find a reputable male dominant is probably through gay oriented leather magazines. Drummer and Leather Journal, both put out by Desmodeous, are excellent references for a gay S&M practicioner. It would be wise to conduct at least a brief phone interview with your potential dominant before coming in. Ask him if he is a member of any of the gay leather organizations in his area. Ask if he permits drugs or alcohol on his premises. Ask him if he is HIV-negative and health- conscious. If you do not trust his responses to these questions, don't make an appointment.

THE PROFESSIONAL SCENE: A GENERAL WORD
When you are with a professional, it is your responsibility to ensure that the play is safe. If he or she wants to play with gags, dildos,
needles or urethral insertion, insist on seeing these items adequately sterilized with a bleach solution before they are used on you. Do not come into contact with any of his or her body fluids such as blood, saliva, vaginal secretions or semen. Always ask that he or she give you a safe word that allows you to end or suspend the scene should it become too much for you, or if you are the dominant, allow the submissive a safe word.
If you see any signs of drugs or drug use on the premises, get out. A dominant on drugs is not safe to play with. Also, the police are far more likely to raid an S&M house that is involved with drugs, and being on the premises during a police raid can be at best embarassing and at worst damaging to your job and reputation if you are arrested.
When you are asked to undress, make sure that you keep an eye on your clothes and possessions. Some unscrupulous dominants will lead you into another room during the session while a confederate goes through your wallet. You may find yourself becoming an involuntary tipper, or you may discover unauthorized charges on your credit card. In the worst case, you may even be subjected to blackmail attempts. It is wise to lock your wallet in the trunk of your car and bring only enough cash for the session and a reasonable tip. 

Reflections via Freud and Stekel                By Terence Sellers
                Author of : The Correct Sadist
                                 "The most frequent and most significant of all perversions", 1 Sado-Masochism is our deviation of interest. Deviant, that is, from the normal sexual impulse - as per 'normal' being "the union of the genitals in the characteristic act of copulation".1 (We like to put this in, as it is so taxing for us to try to define that 'normal'.) But even the normal impulse "is always bound with a more or less prominent brutal element".2 In our modern age where relative morals seem to count for so much - even we of vaunted pervert strain must still remind ourselves that Sado-Masochism is a definite abnormality.
                The ritualized behaviors; the strange and blatant acts, some which seem to be cut from horror-fiction; the rigid symbolism in dress, and manner - none of these behaviors should be lightly viewed, or ever treated as a mere 'game'. For those who do possess, in the depths of their being, the predominantly Sado-Masochistic bent cannot do without the flavour of it. And it will color every relationship - it is very often not a choice - and often it destroys love; and thus, to its possessor, it is rarely a possession of joy.
                "The most striking peculiarity of sadomasochism is in the fact that its active and passive forms are regularly encountered together in the same person. He who experiences pleasure by causing pain to others in sexual relations is also able to experience pain as pleasure. A sadist is simultaneously a masochist, though either the active or the passive side of the perversion may be more strongly developed and thus represent his preponderate sexual activity." 1 The tendency to cause pain to the sexual object - and its opposite, the tendency to seek out and suffer pain from the sexual object, is designated sadism in its active form, and masochism in its passive.
                In terms more au courant to the year 2000, the sadist might now be termed the Dominant: the Master, Dominatrix, or Mistress - or simply 'The Top'. The masochist is called a Submissive, a Slave, or 'The Bottom'. 'Top' and 'Bottom' are also used as verbs, as in "I bottomed to her", or "I want him to top me!". Another aspect of modern Sado-Masochism is the psychodramatic development of 'The Switchable'. That would be a person who consciously, in the sadomasochistic acting-out session, takes one side of the dynamic, then at some point 'switches' over into its psychologically 'equal and opposite'. So that a man might begin to act aggressively and then, either of his own will, or because compelled by his partner, 'switches' to enact the submissive side of his sexuality. (We assume the more favored, 'preponderate' role, is the one that ends the session - otherwise we cannot imagine what cathartic purpose the switching might have.) As well, we have to understand that whomever the 'Switchable' is with, will also oscillate between their own complementary sadomasochist roles. Or not ...
                "Clinical observation led us ... to the view that masochism, the component instinct which is complimentary to sadism, must be regarded as a sadism that has been turned round upon the subject's own ego."
                Certainly there seems to be no harm in 'dressing up' one's ordinary sex-life with 'love-toys', role-play fantasy, or a little kinky costuming. But the 'charge' you are receiving within this 'play' is the bell-note of the Imperial Power you have tapped into. A Power still Libido, but with the Heart in abeyance; a sexuality shaped not by that kindly organ, but by the Mind, and the Will-to-Power. Such Power does excite; but is violent, excoriating; of a volatile, often uncontrollable Force, it can and will subvert the love that two people share. For this is a Power of Death, very strictly conjoined to Sex.
                "From the very first we recognized the presence of the sadistic component in the sexual instinct. As we know, it can make itself independent [author's emphasis] and can ... dominate an individual's entire sexual activity."  The danger of an emotional 'bleed' into one's Love - a Love perhaps not yet entirely debased by a Lover calling itself Master - a Love that is most decidedly, at some point, wounded by the no-longer-merely 'symbolic' actions involving dominance and control.
                And in time, Love may not even seem very important - at least to one of the Lovers - except as a precondition to submitting. Lord Byron once wearily remarked he cared very little any more for Love; though he would never tire of Obedience.
                Both Freud and Stekel believe there is an instinct for, or towards Death; and that it is the first, most primordial of the instincts. That is to say, there is in all existant matter, from the stone to the human, a tendency to return to an original state of being - or Non-being, as it may be. The will to preserve oneself they view as a further development, even an acculturated trait.
                This instinct to Death, this entropy, this seductive falling-back towards an earlier, assuredly more pleasurable time, we notice easily in the masochist. They would strive no longer to be anything, but to regress, become infantile, more helpless in the Greater's arms (though it might be a Greater Nothing). Though this inertia exists also in the Sadist, who might always be seen to be quite pleased with themselves - content to remain 'perfect', and thus, 'entropic'.
                But - "the backward path that leads to complete satisfaction is as a rule obstructed by the resistances that maintain the repressions."As active Sado-Masochists, our resistance is down - the repressions are refashioned into 'psychodrama' - and so do we attempt to stand firmly on that 'backward path', to a complete satisfaction.
                But Stekel goes yet deeper in his descriptions of the sadistic wielding of the Death-instinct, within sexuality. He comprehends there is, as well as inertia, an active Will-to Destroy - to overpower, crush, and kill the object of love. "Hate is the will to power, and love the will to submission. [But] there is no love without hate! This principle is still easier to comprehend than its converse: there is no hatred without love ... and while the will to power is inborn, the will to subjection seems to us a product of culture."
                So the imperious Will-to-Power is a natural trait, inborn? And kept quieted, under control only by the later development - the perhaps more weakly will-to-subjection - the culturally-developed submission of the citizen, to the Greater Good - the social Order? "The sadist strives originally for the total annihilation of its subject. Every sadist is really a murderer."
                Where a measured use of violence infuses the body with an erotic charge; where the lover's kiss is not enough, but needs the teeth to bite; where a slap in the face, by itself, has the same love-inspiring affect as a night's caressing: there is demonstrated Sado-Masochism - and, by implication, its usurptive power.
                "But how can the sadistic instinct, whose aim it is to injure the object, be derived from Eros, the preserver of life?"  Freud himself does not answer his own eloquent question, except to concur Sadism must itself be the force of Death... dominating Love, and its handmaiden, Sex... resolving nothing, presenting yet again to our tired gaze the menage a trois ad infinitum of the Sado-Masochistic convolute.
                                Terence Sellers 

By Terence Sellers
                Author of : The correct Sadist
                 A question often presented to me, who am an acknowledged authority on the subject is: what makes a person a Sado-Masochist? Sado-Masochism is a complex parapathy, that always manifests obsessive symptoms. There does seem to be a very wide variety of determinants; yet I would vouch that a temperamental tendency, which is as close as we can get to an inborn trait, predisposes one to require, and thus to prefer the power-play of Sado-Masochism in the sexual and affective life, over the gentler forms of love.
                "The investigation of the Sado-Masochistic paraphilia is like a journey through the inferno of human brutalities."
                (This and all quotes following are from Wilhelm Stekel's work, "Sadism and Masochism".)
                Stekel affirms that Sado-Masochism plays a very large part in the structure of every sexual perversion. Therefore it behooves anyone who is possessed of a sexual anomaly to make a study of the Sado-Masochist's especial logic.
                The entire emotional life of the Sado-Masochist clusters about a fixed idea. This might be as minute as a word; could manifest as a fixation on a physical type; might stay forever worshipful before a fetish; or will revolve within an elaborate fiction, with multiple characters, specific locations, costuming and dialogue. While this last may impress us as a higher evolution in sexuality, one must remember that such scenarios are fixed, unyielding, and in reality represent a tragic restrictiveness in the emotional life.
                The fixed idea of the Sado-Masochist is anchored in early life, in the first relationships of the child. For within the family was that first, specific 'scene' enacted. "The first sin is the incest complex, and hatred towards those nearest one... the specific 'scene' of the sadomasochist is to be understood as a fiction, in which many infantile incidents are condensed to one single scene."
                In consequence of the hate-love fixation upon an infantile object, Sado-Masochists are often incapable of deep and abiding love, and are impotent to interact in a flexible, free give-and-take with another person, even should they desire to. Usually the sadomasochism may be linked to a single member of the family who excited the parapathy, but "frequently the entire family is the secret harem of the sadist".
                Stekel thinks that this incapacity to feel love - (that submissive, unconditional emotion) - that this 'incommunicado' of body, mind and psyche creates in time physical impotence in the male, and frigidity in the woman. "But where there is some potency, the 'proper orgasm' is lacking." By this he no doubt means the fullest and most gratifying sexual orgasm remains in reserve for the Sado-Masochistic fantasy. "Their highest pleasure is always attained through the autoerotic act - which means only with the aid of the imagined, specific 'scene'."
                The creation of the Sado-Masochistic 'scene' is only creative in that the Sado-Masochist has determined not to succumb to his normal impotence; has allowed himself the 'illicit' acting out of the 'scene'. The fiction itself is (sometimes tragically) determined; it arises from the subconscious with all 'primordial' emotions intact. "The fixation upon an incestuous object is unconscious, and disguised through inversion and displacement." Thus one does not consciously, auto-erotically enjoy one's father, but an image, let us say, of great power and authority, perhaps tall and forbidding, and wearing a certain kind of hat...
                The most definitive psychogenesis of Sado-Masochism, according to our Maestro Stekel, is jealousy within the family circle. Jealousy is the wellspring of hatred. "The effect of jealousy cannot be overestimated ... it effects ideas of putting someone out of the way, fantasies of revenge, which are repressed, but which form the nucleus of the masochistic feeling of inferiority. The sadistic and masochistic intertwining fantasies are only variations of these original ideas of revenge."
                An unhappy of marriage between one's parents is another psychogenesis of sadomasochism. On one hand, an unhappy mother or father may, without reserve,transfer onto the child any unrequited love and affection. Into this love will be infused some degree of antipathy towards the other parent, demonizing that sex. On the other hand, hatred may be projected onto the child, reflecting the hatred towards the spouse. For the child is a fetter, binding one to the despised husband or wife. Such marriages filled with hatred are seed-beds thus, generating forcibly, in the childish mind, archtypical images of evil to whom one is irrevocably bound.
                In sadomasochistic men, the faithlessness and/or promiscuity of the mother/mother figure is extremely determining ; positing for his sexuality either punishing sadism towards women, or submissive placativeness towards women who do not love him. In sadomasochistic women, again a type of 'Don Juan' character in the father, rake-hellishness and cavalier attitudes, will create in the woman a similar punishing persona, or a fixation upon men indifferent to her. How does this occur in the psyche?
                "The parent is despised for the promiscuity; the hatred splits off and carries over to the entire sex; then, the sense of guilt and overcompensation result in a deification of the original, dishonored incest object." Deification! So the beloved is a god we worship - or gleefully blaspheme. But never again are we free of that god.
                The sexual activities of the parents may as well enliven in the child images of force and terrifying violence. It has been documented that normal sexual intercourse may appear to a child to be an act of violence upon the mother. Arguments and strife, followed by kissing and making-up, also may determine in a child that connection between violence and love.
                Stekel also observes that "children will not tolerate parents' interference in their own sexual life." Strict patrolling of a child's onanism, enraged punishments of infantile sexual play "will readily produce an attitude of hatred in the child towards parents." For it is pleasure they are feeling, after all - and who are these people to stop their pleasure? Still, the onus remains, and their pleasure is then intermingled with the idea of a deserved punishment.
                Yet none of these demonstrations of the violence inherent in sex and love will determine the creation of a Sado-Masochist, unless "hate is permitted to strike its roots early and deep into the heart of a child." By this might we understand that jealousy in a child should always be assuaged; the sexual life of the parents should remain behind closed doors; and if one is given to arguments, it is better to divorce, than to have the child ruined, as it were, by perverted demonstrations of a spoiled love.
                Stekel also illustrates cases of the traumatizing effect, towards the development of Sado-Masochistic obsession, of viewing violent scenes - an objection which we might assuredly understand as pertinent to carry over in our uninhibitedly violent times.
                Here is his form of that rule as per the 1800s: "The evil practice of allowing children to look on, when animals are slaughtered; letting them see pictures in illustrated papers which represent brutal scenes - all have a devastating effect upon the child's affective life."
                "Fairy tales are frequently the nucleus of a sadomasochistic fantasy." (See his Case #57). "One should refrain from telling children frightful stories, even in fun, or in carrying out sadistically colored play." Yet who has not observed how much children love, and gravitate to, stories of horror, cannibalism, murder, imprisonment and loss? And why are fairy tales themselves so violent? I would venture to say it is because violence is a commonplace in human life...
                Punishment by whipping still proves the best method for the development of Sado-Masochism. It is known as 'the English vice', as beatings were (and are) an everyday fact of disciplinary life in the English private schools. Stekel goes to great lengths to quote many classical sources vouching for the usefulness,and even the necessity of corporal punishment in the training of children. Indeed, we must agree that to never corporally punish a child is as bad as the improper applications of the same.
                As per Menandros, a writer of comedies, circa 300 B.C.: "A person who has not been beaten has not been trained!"
                A well-rooted belief amongst the ancient Greeks was that physical pain was the most fitting means for the building of character. We comprehend this well today in the context of athletic training, and in military school discipline. This belief in the morally purifying force of bodily pain was behind the development of the martial state of Sparta, infamous for its practice of eugenics; that is, leaving weakly infants to die in the wilderness. The philosophies of 'the perfect society' are always sadistically tainted. But we must consider it an extremely moral point, that the decadent, intellectual, homosexually-emphasized society of Athens was able to beat down and destroy those stringent Spartans.
                Quintillan (date) however denounced sadistic usages in education, making a number of salient points we might further consider. Sadism as an educative tool disgusts him, "First because it is odious and slavish and dishonouring at any age; next, because anyone who is so base that he could not be improved by kindly persuasiveness and affectionate admonition, will also be insensible to blows." This makes a powerful statement for the predeliction as a temperamental condition. Furthermore, "it cannot be stated, without blushing for shame, to what disgusting orgies unworthy persons abuse the right to chastise."
                "Beating trains only slavish natures, embitters the child, and destroys his joy in his task."
                So we ask again: Who becomes a Sado-Masochist? Anyone whose parents argued? Anyone spanked, whipped, or slapped? Anyone who looked at a fictional scene of murder? Anyone chastised for childish games of 'doctor'? He who loved his furious mother, who stood over him in red high heels ... she who misbehaved so she might lie across her mother's tight-skirted lap? Just about anyone exposed to sights, sounds or thoughts of violence? And therefore, just about anyone?
                Recollect again what our revered Doctor has said: Sado-Masochism is not a thing congenitally fated; but it is "a reaction to life that arises when hate is permitted to strike its roots early and deep into the heart of a child."
                And who does not harbor that germ of hatred.
                                Terence Sellers

​

Age  play - A type of role play to gratify a fetish surrounding  age; typically daddy/child or mommy/child fantasies [see also: Infantilism].
        Algolagnia - The act of transforming pain into sexual pleasure. A synonym for sadomasochism  (SM). [see Sadism, sadist; Sadomasochism; Masochism, masochist].
Alternative  sexuality - A sexual orientation that differs from a preference  for vaginal intercourse (with minor variations) within a monogamous  heterosexual relationship.              
Alternative  lifestyle - Having a sexuality that differs significantly from  the "norm" (see Alternative sexuality) may make an alternative  lifestyle necessary or desirable. A sexual orientation less common than the  norm may stigmatize the individual pushing the person to seek a more accepting  subculture. An example is homosexuality and the formation of the gay community.                      
Anal  play - Any sexual or fetish practice concerning the anus  and/or rectum, chiefly includes: anal sex, rimming, enema play, and anal  fisting.
                Anal  training - Preparation of the anus for anal play.
                Anilingus - Anal-oral sex. Dental dam or plastic wrap is helpful for preventing  exchange of harmful organisms.
    Animal  play - Role playing wherein one or both partners assumes  the role of an animal, chiefly: puppy, dog, and pony.
Asphyxiation  play - Restricting air (and/or blood) flow by choking to  enhance the      sensation  of orgasm. Very dangerous play, we don’t recommend it.
BDSM - Once upon a time this was all called Sadomasochism (SM, S/M or  S&M) and we were all deemed very bad, sick, perverted people. We were just  people though, as horny as everyone is, with a little kink to make us special.  But some of us didn’t want to be called sick, bad perverts and these people  invented names like Dominance and Submission (D&S, DS or D/s). Love Bondage  (Love Bondage) and Bondage and Discipline (B&D) to make themselves and the  pleasure police think that what they did was different from what those sad,  twisted, nasty old sadomasochists did, no no! Then we all got online with our  personal computers (well, a lot of us did) and began doing what people do best  when they’re not having sex: argue. For months arguments about labels for our  kinks clogged up the computer networks. Finally, the term BDSM was born. This  made many kinky people happy because it incorporated Bondage and Discipline  (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS) and Sadomasochism (SM).
                Black  lightning - A common nickname for a black fiber glass or resin  rod that is used as a cane. Denser than rattan, it can inflict deeper damage  and the feel is described as "cutting." [see Cane]                
Black  snake - A type of single-lash whip that is flexible all the  way to the knob.
                Bloodsport - SM practices that result in drawing blood. Can include whipping or  caning that breaks the skin, branding, cutting, and piercing.
                Body  fluid monogamy, body fluid bonding - A practice of  sharing body fluids only between two partners in order to observe safer-sex  recommendations. Commonly, the partners have been tested negative for HIV,  sometimes also for hepatitis B and C. The partners may or may not play with  others outside their      relationship,  but only by observing strict safer-sex rules. [see Safer Sex]            
Bondage - Any practice involving restraints placed on the body to restrict  freedom of movement.
                Bondage  and discipline, B~D - A classic term referring to several  sexual practices including: bondage, slave training, corporal punishment, and  dominant/submissive role play.
        Bondage  belt - A belt, usually leather with metal rings attached,  to assist in performing bondage.
  Bondage  frame - Any stationary device used to assist in performing  bondage.Bondage  harness - A configuration of straps, usually leather or nylon  designed to: 1) ornament the body, and 2) aid in bondage and suspension  bondage.
Bottom - An SM practitioner who submits to bondage, training, role play,  corporal      punishment,  etc., but who is not necessarily emotionally committed to his/her dominant partner  (top).
            Bottoming  from the top - Originally a derogatory term for a top who allows  his bottom to run the scene, "bottoming from the top" has become a  valid style of play. Most tops experience some scenes where they prefer to take  at least some direction from their bottoms. Some even prefer this style of play  and may call      themselves  submissive sadists. [see also, Topping from the bottom]            
Bottom-space or sub-space - A type of erotically altered consciousness (EAC)        identified  with feelings of falling into a state of submission. Generally, bottom- or  subspace may be characterized by, diminished ego awareness, less active  cognitive behavior, surrendering of will, and/or inability to verbalize.  Frequently       these  functions are assumed by the dominant partner who becomes the submissive's center  of focus.
            Brat - A bottom who enjoys struggling against control or challenging the top.  Brattiness has a wide spectrum from the playful "uppity bottom" to  the smart-ass masochist (which see). Some brats are "testing" their  dominant, others have a desire to be "conquered and tamed," while  some simply do not wish to be controlled. [see Smart-ass masochist]        
Brain  fade - A state of confusion and/or inability to reason  experienced by the       submissive.  This effect usually results from psychological domination, the mind-fuck, or a  deepening submissive state. [see Bottom-space, Sub-space]      
Breast  bondage - Tying the female breasts with cord, string, rope,  rubber bands,       scarves,  etc. as a part of SM or erotic play. May include nipple bondage or clamping.       
Breath  control - Control of breathing by the dominant through use of  a gas mask or similar apparatus, by choking, or by covering the mouth and nose.
                Body  modification - The general term for practices that reshape or  ornament the body for ritual, erotic, decorative, or fetish purposes. The  practices commonly include tattooing, piercing, branding, cutting, and  corsetry.
                Boundaries - Usually refers to limits (which see) negotiated prior to SM play.
                Branding - Burning the skin, usually with heated metal, to produce scarification.
        Branding  can be a part of a scene, ritual, or body modification. The design often       consists  of several unconnected lines and curves, each requiring a separate strike with heated  metal, bent to form its part of the design. The reason for the unconnected  lines is to assure that elements of the design do not scar into a shapeless  mass; human skin heals differently than the hides of livestock.            Buggywhip - A single thong whip with a rigid core and a flexible cracker at the  end.
                Cage,  bondage cage - Yup, a cage is a cage. These are big enough to hold  the whole submissive.
                Cane - Traditional canes are flexible rattan or bamboo optionally having a  leather       wrapped  handle. Modern canes may be plastic or fiber glass.
            Caning - The art of using a cane on a bottom.
                Cat or cat  o' nine tails - The term originally referred to a whip used by British  navy. Now, cat usually to refers to all multi-thonged whips.
  Catharsis - Purgation of emotions and or stress through an SM scene may or may not  be intentional.
Checking-in - Asking the submissive how they are doing, feeling, etc. during a scene.  Specific questions get more useful answers. An affirmative response to  "Are you ok?" may merely indicate that death is not impending, but  there still may be problems, particularly with a macho sub. "Would you  enjoy heavier (or lighter) sensations?" is a better question. In SM play  "is this good for you?" is asked during a scene rather than the  typical "was it good for you?"afterwards. Checking-in should not  replace a dominant's own observation and focus, it is another part of the  safety net.
Cinching – 1) Wearing of a cincher, a garment similar to, but less encompassing  than a corset. 2) A bondage technique, for example, to tighten coils of rope  holding the wrists together by wrapping the coils between the wrists by one or  more "cinch loops" of rope.
                Clamp,  clamping - Nipple clamps, clothespins, and binder clips are  used to pinch or squeeze a small bit of flesh. The target areas for clamping  are nipples, cocks, vulvas, and other erotically sensitive areas such as the  sides of the torso and inner thighs. Weights can be added to increase the  rigor.
Clip - [see Clamp, Clamping]               
Clean - A code word used to describe a condition of being disease free. [see  Code       word]            
Cock  and ball torture or CBT - Tortures are inflicted  on these body parts using       clothespins,  clamps, cock cages, weight, and various kinds of bindings.
            Code  word(s) - Word(s) used in personal ads to disguise sexual  proclivities that may be unacceptable to mainstream society, eg: English  culture, French culture, Greek, clean, discipline, strict, leather, etc.
                Collar,  collared - 1) A symbol of surrender worn by a submissive. A  collar is given in a relationship as a profound symbol of a commitment and  bond. A "collared" submissive is considered to be owned (which see)  or partnered with a dominant player. 2) A piece of bondage equipment worn  around the throat.
                Conditional  compliance - The SM one-nighter, a limited exchange of power  negotiated by a dom and sub for a single scene or brief period of play, such as  overnight, one day, or one weekend. [see Power exchange levels]                
Conditioning - The term used in psychology for the deliberate process of creating a psychological  link between a desired response and an unrelated stimulus. Much of what people  in the SM community refer to as training or slave training uses classic conditioning  techniques.
                Condom - A latex sheath used on a penis or toy as a barrier to prevent the        transmission  of disease or pregnancy. Natural lambskin condoms are also available, but don't  function effectively to prevent the spread of viral illness. [see Safer Sex]    
Consensual - Behavior or activities agreed to by all parties involved. True consent  is informed consent and requires a reasonably accurate knowledge of possible  risks.
     Contrapolar  stimulation "Hurts so good!" - A type of physical  stimulation that       Incorporates  feeling of both pleasure and pain.
            Corporal - Activities that involve the striking of one individual by another are  called         corporal  from the term corporal punishment. Typically corporal activities include       spanking,  flogging, paddling, and caning.
Counting - The ritualized counting of strokes received. The sub may be required  to      thank  the dominant with each count. Example: "One, thank you Sir. Two, thank you  Sir, etc." A typically diabolic practice is to start the count over again  each time a mistake is made. Some masochists never seem to get the count  correct, even with their shoes off.
            Covenant  of dominance and submission - A deeply committed symbiotic  relationship between a dominant and a submissive. [see Levels of power  exchange]        
Crossdressing - Dressing in clothes of the opposite gender.
                Crucifixion - Bondage incorporating a stationary cross. The submissive’s arms and legs  are tied, not nailed. Care must be taken to ensure that the torso is properly supported,  otherwise, strangulation may occur.
                Cuff,  cuffing - 1) Placing handcuffs, manacles, or similar  restraints on the wrists and/or ankles. 2) Also refers to the restraints in the  noun form. For example: "That is a nice cuff you’re wearing," or  "This cuffing is very comfy."                
Cutting – I) slicing the skin as a part of body modification, ritual, or scene.  Most         frequently,  designs are transferred to the skin as they would be for the creation of a       tattoo.  Then either scalpels, razor blades, art knives, or other cutting tool incise  the skin at a depth of 1/16" to 3/16. Cuttings can include color by means  of tattoo inks or cigar (not cigarette) ash rubbed into the fresh wounds. Care  should always be taken to insure sterile conditions. 2) The breaking of skin by  use of a corporal instrument. Single lash whips, canes, crops and others can  cut if used improperly. 3) The deep stingy feel of some toys.
            Dental  dam - A latex barrier used for cunnilingus or anillngus to  prevent disease       transmission.  Plastic food wrap is an inexpensive, but satisfactory, substitute.
            Derivative  pleasure, immediate/delayed - Corporal strokes that are  painful at impact, but pleasurable following initial execution. An immediately  derived pleasure stroke feels good right after the impact. Delayed derivative  pleasure is an accumulation of painful strokes that explodes into sexual heat  some time later.
                Discipline - The "D" in B&D that can mean; 1) punishment 2)  structured training of a submissive.
                Do-me  queen/king - A bottom that takes passive delight from the  physical activities of scening without a desire to give submission or pleasure  in return.
                Dominance,  dominance & submission, D/S, D&S - The  consensual empowerment of one partner by the other for erotic enhancement.  Dominance and submission are the psychological and emotional underpinnings of  SM. [see Power exchange]                
Dominant,  Dom, Domme, Domina, Dominatrix - The person who is given control  in a consensual exchange of power. Domme, Domina, and Dominatrix refers to  women. Dominant, or Dom can refer to either gender.
    Edge  play - Erotic role play near or at the edge of a  submissive’s or dominant’s limits. The term also refers to activities that  carry a higher than usual element of risk.
Electro-torture - The use of electrical stimulation to create a desired physical       sensation.
            Emotional  buttons, emotional triggers - Associations with words,  behaviors, or       activities  that provoke a strong emotional reaction. Dominants will do well to become familiar  with the unique triggers of his submissive. It is important to know, as much as  possible. which buttons evoke positive and negative responses.
            Endorphins,  endorphin high - Endorphins are substances created by the body to  help endure pain or stress. Entirely natural, but theoretically similar in feel  to opiates. The body’s release of endorphins may create a feeling of  well-being, even intoxication, which is called an endorphin high. People differ  dramatically in their ability to release endorphins. The possibility of  addiction to endorphins has been conjectured.
                Enema - The instrument used for, or the act of injecting fluid into the anus  to flush the lower intestines. Some people include enemas in SM scenes for  humiliation, for       preparation  for other activities (such as fisting or anal sex), and/or simply because they may  enjoy the sensation.
    English - A code word for spanking or corporal punishment sometimes used in ads.  We will have achieved social acceptance when ads in mainstream papers can say, "Romantic  sadist seeks masochist lover," instead of nonsense like, "devotee of  English culture seeks receptive partner."
Erotic  power - Erotic power is like potential energy, becoming  significant only when it is exchanged or used to empower a dominant by the  transfer of control. [see Power exchange]        
Erotic  pain - Stimuli that are painful under normal circumstances,  but are pleasurable or arousing in a sexual context.
                Erotic  restraint - Restricting movement for erotic play. Also, refers  to the devices used for said purpose.
                Erotic  surrender - The sexually motivated gift of control of one’s self  (within negotiated limits) to one’s partner. A more accurately descriptive  phrase for submission.
                Erotically  altered consciousness, EAC - Any one of several altered states of         consciousness  achieved by erotic stimulation. [see: Bottom-space, Sub-space;       Endorphin  high, Flying, Top-space]            
Fetish - A sexual fixation on an activity or object.
                Fetish  community - The name given to that group of people having an  alternate sexual or gender orientation, but excluding the (vanilla) gay and  lesbian communities.
                Fire  & ice - The use of hot and cold for sexual stimulation,  especially hot wax dripped from a candle and ice applied to the skin.
    Fisting - Insertion of the entire hand into the vagina (vaginal listing) or the  anus [anal fisting).
Flagellation - The act of whipping a human being.
                Flogger,  flogging - An unbraided multi-thonged whip is a flogger. To  whip using a       flogger  or other corporal instruments.
    Flying - A transcendent state of consciousness sometimes achieved during an SM         scene.  This rapturous state has been so often described in a similar manner by       independent  sources that we have no doubt of the validity of the experience. Feelings described  by the submissive seem similar to that of out of body xperiences and often include  a psychic link to the dom. Most commonly, this link is felt as either a tether  to the dominant or as a feeling of being surrounded and protected by the dom’s  presence or consciousness. Elation and spaciness experienced after flying may  be felt for hours, even days after the session has ended. 
French - A common code word for kissing involving the tongue, cunnilingus, and       fellatio. Foot  fetish, foot worship - A sexual obsession directed toward the  feet and/or shoes.
                Forced  oral, forced sex - Sexual role play where the dom  pretends to force an activity that the sub pretends they are under duress to  perform. It involves a shared suspension of reality. (A dom only  "forces" the sub to perform activities he or she has requested.)    
Gag,  gaggage - devices that are inserted in or cover the mouth to  muffle sound.
      Gear - Toys, props, clothes and what-have-you used for scene purposes.
                Gender  community - People with cross-gender fantasies or cross-gender  identification. Cross-dressers, transvestites, and transsexuals make up the  gender community.
Gender  orientation - Gender orientation is an issue apart from sexual  orientation. It is self-identification and feelings of maleness or femaleness,  rather than issues of sexual attraction. A person with an alternate gender  orientation may or may not have an alternate sexual orientation. For example; a  transvestite or a transsexual may be either heterosexual or gay.
                Gender  play - To dress up or take the role of the opposite sex  during a scene. [see Sissification]                
German - A code word for Sadomasochistic desires.
    Golden  shower - Urination on or in another person.
Greek - The code word for anal sexual activities.
                Handcuffs - These metal shackles are used to bind wrists by law enforcement       personal,  legally, and by sadomasochists, covertly. Handcuffs are considered weapons and  illegal to own in most states, but are easy to buy and commonly used.
            Head  games - 1) Domination where the focus is primarily mental,  such as humiliation, rather than physical, such as bondage or whipping. 2)  Non-consensual psychological manipulation to make a person respond in a  particular way for one's own purposes.
                Heavy - 1) Intense SM play or whipping. 2) A term describing an SM toy such as  a       flogger  or cane that is capable of delivering intense sensations.
    Hood - A covering for the head. Hoods used in SM are made of various  materials,         especially;  leather, spandex, and rubber. Some hoods are constructed as       ornamentation,  others are used as a part of bondage to control or restrict sight, sound, speech  (by incorporating a gag), and/or breathing.
Humiliation - Playful embarrassment or humbling a person by teasing them about their  sexual desires can be part of erotic control. Humiliation in SM can  paradoxically build a person’s self-esteem rather than tearing it down by  reinforcing their sexuality. Real attacks on a person’s self-worth or  sexuality, or manipulations designed to break their spirit are abuse not within  the appropriate practice of SM.
                Infantilism - Role play involving infant-like behavior such as diaper wearing,  nursing, etc.
                In-role - Assuming the persona of a sexual archetype or fantasy character.
                Isolation - 1) A fear of interrelating with others. People are often; a) afraid to  "come out" about their attraction to SM out of fear of societal  repercussions, or b) they may think that no one shares their attraction to a  particular SM (or other sexual) practice. In both cases, this can lead to  feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, depression, and/or loneliness.       2] A  technique of sensory deprivation, bondage, and trickery to make a submissive  feel as though he or she is being left alone.
            Japanese  bondage - [see Oriental bondage, rope dress]    
Katherine  wheel - A piece of dungeon equipment that looks like a  large, vertically         mounted  wheel to which a submissive is bound, allowing her to be turned or spun.       Warning:  not for use with the sub that is inclined toward motion sickness.
      Knife  play - Play that includes the use of a knife (does not  necessarily imply cutting). Knives are more often used as props for  psychological effect, to scrap wax from a body after a fire and ice scene, to  remove clothing, and endless other devious purposes.
                Latex - Latex and rubber are used to make clothing, sheets and other fetish  items.
Leather  butt - 1) A term that describes a person who has been  beaten so often that only intense whipping has any effect. 2) The condition of  the buttocks after heavy paddling. The skin compresses and becomes stiff or  "leathery" to the touch. The compression effect is most pronounced  with paddles, so leather butt can be avoided by using a mixture of implements.
                Lifestyler - A person who lives a lifestyle that supports rather than conflicts  with his SM fantasy archetype. Some lifestylers object to the characterization  of their SM identities as fantasy role play, feeling that it is integral to  their personalities rather than a sexual game. It is easy, and often  attractive, to confuse reality and fantasy. [see Alternate sexuality; Alternate  lifestyle; In-role]                
Limit - The boundaries of SM activities set by both dominant and submissive  during negotiation defining what each is willing and unwilling to do within a  scene. Limits must be respected and never intentionally breached by either  partner. Limits apply to roles, levels of dominance and submission, and  duration of time, as well as physical activities such as whipping, paddling,  etc.
                Live-in  slave - A lifestyle submissive in a committed relationship  who lives within the context of a slave/master (or mistress) fantasy.
                Macho  sub - A submissive with a reluctance to show distress, use  a safe word, or who feels a need to stoically endure what is not pleasurable.  The macho sub may be motivated by a desire to prove her mettle, show devotion,  or reflect her internal fantasy. The macho sub must make sure the dom is aware  of her inclinations during negotiation. The dom of a macho submissive should  rely more on a checking-in technique and less on spontaneous feedback. The  macho sub’s saving grace is a strong desire to obey. Ordering her to  communicate clearly about stress, as it occurs can override some of her reluctance  to "be a wimp."    
Masochism,  masochist - The erotic enjoyment of pain, humiliation, and/or of  being dominated. One who enjoys pain, etc. Sometimes the terms are used to describe  one who enjoys heavier pain.
Master - A male that takes the dominant role in SM role play. The title may be  bestowed upon the male dominant in appreciation of his skill. It may be a term  of endearment or a loving tribute to a dom by a submissive in a relationship.  Equally often, the term is selfaggrandizement by a male with dominant  fantasies, not infrequently with "true" or "real" tacked in  front.
                Mental  bondage- Ropeless bondage by command. A submissive instructed  by her       dominant  to remain in position will feel bound to obey.
            Mistress - A female dominant. [see Dominant, Dom, Domme, Domina, Dominatrix]        
Mummification - A bondage technique of completely or almost completely wrapping a submissive  in restrictive material, such as; plastic wrap, spandex, elastic or gauze bandages,  etc.
                Negotiation - The process of determining the practices and boundaries of sexual and SM  activities between a top and a bottom. It may apply to the whole relationship  or just a specific scene. Negotiating is an ongoing process that is repeated as  the plaers’ needs change.
                Nipple  clamps, nipple clips – [see Clamp, Clamping]                Nipple  play/torture - Stimulation of the nipples for corporal or erotic  purposes. Often includes; sucking, pinching, clamping, fire and ice, or piercing.
                Nonconsensual - SM play that is not sanctioned by either player.
                Nostril  strap - A device, usually of bent wire, with a string  attached for hooking into the nostrils for humiliation and torment. Commonly  used in Japanese SM.
              Novice - A person with an interest in SM, but lacking in experience.
            Oriental  bondage, rope dress - Any of a number of styles of rope  bondage stemming from styles used in the Far East.  Typically, the bondages are highly decorative, uniform, and symmetrical.
                Over  the knee, OTK - A classic spanking position. Also a code word for  same.
                Ownership,  absolute ownership - 1) Within master/slave role play  ownership means having control of the submissive. 2) Loosely used in the SM  community to mean an ongoing dominant/submissive relationship. 3) Absolute  ownership is a lost-in-fantasy relationship based on sadomasomythology and  fictional lore.
                Paddle,  paddling - A rigid flat-surfaced implement usually of leather  or wood used for spanking a fanny. Paddling is the act of using a paddle. A  paddle is also the implement that a wise-ass masochist often finds herself up  the creek without.                Pain  slut - A masochist who derives pleasure from physical pain.
                Pansexual-  Nongender specific sexual orientation. A group that encompasses all sexual  and gender orientations is said to be pansexual.
            Piercing - Piercing the skin with a needle in an SM scene, as ritual, or as body       modification.  Most frequently, piercings are accompanied by the installation of jewelry. An  exception to this is play piercing. In play piercing, the needle is inserted  into, or through, the skin as a part of a scene, but the wound(s) are often  allowed to heal without jewelry being introduced.     In  play piercings, many parts of the skin may be pierced at the same time.  Sometimes, the needles are left in the skin throughout the scene, tied together  by string, thread, or rope, then removed at the close of the scene.
Piercings  that are intended to be permanent usually are placed in sites common among people  of the Near East for ornamental and erotic  value. These sites are, typically: nostril and septum of the nose, ears (in the  lobes, tragus, and helix), lips, nipples, along the shaft and head of the  penis, the scrotum, inner and outer labia, and the hood of the clitoris. Some  newer fashions of piercings include the webs between the fingers, the eyebrows,  and the bridge of the nose.              Erotic  piercings are said to enhance sensation to the body parts that are pierced.         Raelyn  Gallina, body modification expert (she performs piercings, cuttings, and         brandings)  and jeweler from Oakland, CA, invented a piercing called the  "Triangle",       which  penetrates the clitoral hood on both sides, and underneath the clitoris, Thus,  the ring installed contacts the clitoris in a place totally beneath the skin.            People  seeking piercings are warned not to use piercing "guns", sewing  needles, or safety pins. It is best to seek professional assistance which is  available in most parts of the United States,  Canada, and Europe. Very often, tattoo shops will be associated with professional  piercers. These people have the equipment to provide sterile piercings and the  knowledge to recommend proper after care.                Pillory - Handed down from the reign of the Puritans, a pillory is usually  woodenframed, free-standing stocks that imprisons the head and wrists for  immobilizing a person. For use with the humiliation of your choice.
                Pizzle - The dried and stretched penis of a bull, or other large animal, formed  into a      whip.  These are actually deadly toys.
            Plastic  wrap - Regular, old plastic food wrap can be used for  encasing the body for bondage. Unlike food, it will not keep your submissive  fresh. [see  ummification]        
Play - Participating in an SM scene or SM scene activity.
                Playroom,  Pray space - Any area you designate in which to perform an SM  scene. Hotel rooms, secluded woods, and delivery vans qualify as well as a  permanently furnished basement or dungeon. Also referred to as dungeon space.
                Play  punishment - The use of punishment as an excuse for an erotic  encounter. She burnt the toast that morning, forgot to say, "Sir," or  some other trivial misdeed and, alas, must be corrected. Somehow, both end up  getting what they crave. As a game, this beats the heck out of strip monopoly.  Punishment is an erotic game that should never be used to address serious  problems.
                Ponygirl,  Ponyboy - A classic SM fantasy immortalized in the drawings of  John Willie and used in the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Ann Rice. Typical pony  garb includes a horsehair tail attached to a buttplug, a bit gag and/or bridle  headharness, and reins. Often very high heels, a corset, and feather plumes in  the hair are added. The arms are typically bound behind the back. Pony  activities range from being displayed and directed by rein to being ridden or  pulling a cart.
                Pony  training - The fanciful transformation of a girl (Or boy) into  "pony" to be ridden, to pull a carriage, or to perform as a  well-trained horse in obedience and deportment.
                Position  training - The training of a submissive to assume a given  position upon       command  or under certain circumstances.             
Post-scene  plunge - Feelings of let-down, depression, fear, disgust,  remorse, etc, after participating in SM play. Can be experienced by either  dominant or submissive. Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101, uses the term "Top  Drop" to describe these feelings on the part of the dominant.
    Power  exchange - The empowerment of the dominant by the submissive’s  surrender to his/her control. Power exchange is consensual and should be well  negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to level  of responsibility assumed by the dominant.
     Power  exchange levels - A system for linking emotional  involvement and depth of         feeling  with degree of power exchange. The Five Levels are: one - Conditional       compliance,  two - Restricted ongoing acquiescence, three - Provisional submission, four -  the Covenant of dominance and submission, and five – Absolute ownership. The  first four levels are based in reality.
            Provisional  submission - An ongoing relationship negotiated between a dom and  a sub characterized by power exchange and emotional involvement, but lacking  serious commitment. [see Power exchange levels]
      Psychosexual - Emotionality, attitudes, orientations, or mind sets associated with  erotic behavior or sexual fantasy life.
                Punitive  pain - Pain that by intention is designed to hurt for  nonerotic purposes, usually for punishment. This is abusive and often motivated  by a misunderstanding of appropriate control mechanisms.
     Pushing  limits - 1) A careful process of gradual expansion of limits.  2) Intense play that comes close to the unbearable. [see Edge play]        
PVC  - poly-vinyl-chloride - 1) A type of plastic used for fetish  clothing. 2) The PVC pipes made for plumbing that can be constructed into  bondage devices.
            Quirt - A corporal toy that looks something like a crop with a flexible,  whip-like cracker at the end.
         Restricted  Ongoing Acquiescence - An agreement, negotiated by a dom and  sub, to play casually for an extended period of time without serious emotional  involvement. [see Power exchange levels]      
Rimming - Common term for anilingus (anal-oral sex).
Role  play - 1) Elaboration of one’s sexual inclinations by  creating a fantasy framework for them. 2) People with compatible sexual  fantasies taking on complimentary persona to interact with each other.
                Rope  dress – [see Oriental bondage, rope dress]    
Rubber - [see Latex]
S.A.M. –  [see Smart Ass Masochist]                
Sadism,  Sadist - Deriving sexual pleasure from the giving of pain,  humiliation, and/or domination. The honorable sadist only gives pain or  humiliation to those desiring it, respects limits, is caring and careful.
                Sadomasochism,  SM - Advanced sexual practices incorporating the  consensual use of pain, humiliation, and power exchange for erotic enjoyment.  SM includes dominance, and submission, bondage and discipline, love bondage,  and erotic spanking. The term is frequently misused to indicate heavier or more  extreme practices.
                Sadomasomythology - The misconceptions of society in regard to what       sadomasochism  actually entails. Also, an ill-informed idea about a particular practice within  SM.
            Safe,  sane, and consensual - Characterizes the acceptable play  within the SM         community;  players adhere to safety precautions within their activities, do not  participate in practices that will injure their partners (mentally or  physically), and obtain consent by negotiating scenes and scene related  activities before      carrying  them out.
            Safe  sex, Safer sex - Practicing sex wherein no body fluids are exchanged;  includes the use of condoms on insertion toys as well as penises, dental dams,  or plastic wrap for cunnilingus, cleanliness with regard to corporal toys,  abstention from penetration, etc.
                Safe  word, Safe signal - A word, a phrase, or an action (like  dropping a bail by a       gagged  submissive) used by the submissive as a signal to stop the scene or reduce the intensity.
            St. Andrew’s cross - An  upright cross in the shape of the letter "X" to which people are bound  for flogging or torture.    Scat - Feces, also, play with feces.
Scene - 1) The SM or fetish community; or things associated with it. 2) An  occurrence or session of SM play.
                Scene  friendly - Familiarity with, and acceptance of the SM scene and  SM players, usually refers to a professional’s attitude (-therapist, -lawyer,  etc.)    
Scene  gear - The SM (and often vanilla) toys we play with. [see  Gear]
Sensory  deprivation - Restricting or diluting a submissive’s ability to  use one or more of his/her senses of touch, hearing, sight, taste, or smell as  a part of an SM scene.
                Sensory  relocation - Transferring the feeling of a stimuli to a different  body location than it is received.
                Sensual  play - SM play that focuses on stimulating the senses  without the use of pain.
                Service - Acts, chores, or labor, sexual or otherwise, performed by a sub for  the benefit of a dom.
                Session - A scene. [see Scene]    Serpent’s Tongue - A type of slapper made of a thick strap of leather, two or three       inches  wide, with a deep "V" cut into most of the length of the piece.  Commonly, the handle will have a double thickness with a ring stitched at the  end. This is a very nasty toy.
 Sexual  imprinting, reimprinting - There is a school of thought stating  that sexual       responses  result from imprinting based on past associations, experiences, background, and  environment, often dating back to early childhood. Altering sexual behavior by changing  responses and creating new associations is a technique called reimprinting.
Sexual  magic, sensual magic - Positive descriptive terms for  sadomasochism.
                Silent  alarm - A safety precaution used by players who are new to  one another. For example: a submissive, playing with a dominant for the first  time, might arrange for a friend to be near a telephone at a pre-arranged time.  If the submissive does not call at that time, the friend will be alerted that  something has gone wrong and will take steps to see that the submissive is  safe.
    Sissification,  feminization - A practice desired by a male sub of  "forced" crossdressing and/or gender reassignment.
    Slapper - A flexible semi-rigid strap used like a paddle.
    Slave - 1) In the scene community sometimes used loosely as another word for       submissive.  2) A submissive involved in a committed relationship incorporating a shared slave/master  fantasy.
Slave  contract - A written agreement elaborating the terms, goals,  and limits of an SM relationship.
                Slave  training - The processes of: instructing a submissive in a  dominant’s       preferences,  and, conditioning the submissive’s behavior.
            Sling - A cross between a swing and a hammock in which a bottom may be  comfortably suspended.
    SM  positive - A sympathetic or accepting attitude toward  sadomasochism and/or SM play and players. [see Scene friendly]
SM  virgin - A person with little or no experience in SM  practices.
                Smart  Ass Masochist, SAM - A bottom, who rather than submitting,  challenges or       annoys  to entice a dom to punish her. [see Brat]            
Spandex· -  A very stretchable synthetic cloth used for fetish clothing and bondage gear.
    Spanking - Striking a submissive, usually with an open hand, on her fanny. Some  use this term to include paddling, as well.
Spanking  bench - A piece of stationary equipment with attachment  points to designed to secure a submissive in preparation for a spanking.  Properly bound or positioned on a spanking bench, the submissive’s arse is in  an accessible, convenient angle for a spanking or whipping.
                Spanking  skirt - A skirt or dress with cut-outs over each fanny  cheek, designed to allow bare-skinned spanking. The spanking skirt is a classic  piece of scene-wear that enhances humiliation/exhibitionism aside from its  practical application.
                Spreader  bar - A strong bar, usually wooden, bamboo, or metal, with  rings or holes on each end, used as a bondage tool to keep a submissive’s arms  or legs apart.
                Sting - A sharp biting feel to the surface of the skin.
                Stocks - A device (usually wooden) with holes designed to imprison a  submissive’s wrists and head, or wrists and ankles. [see Pillory]                
Stoplight  safe words - A commonly used system of safe words wherein red  means stop the scene immediately and release the sub, yellow warns the dominant  that the current practice is pushing the submissive’s endurance, and green lets  the dominant know that what is happening is awfully nice and should be  continued.
                Straight - 1) Code word for heterosexual. 2) Adjective for someone or something  that is not SM oriented. In this sense, a synonym for vanilla.
    Strap - 1) As a noun, this is either a bondage restraint (usually leather with  a buckle) or an instrument of corporal punishment (also, usually leather sans  the buckle). 2) As a verb, it is the act of binding or beating a submissive  with a strap.
Submissive,  Sub - One who surrenders control of her body and behavior  (within predefined limitations) to another for erotic play.
                Sub-space-  [see: Bottom-space]    
Submissive  uniform - A common mode of dress worn by submissives  emphasizing their sexuality, usually very short skirts, revealing tops, high  heels, and stockings supported by a garter belt or bustier.
Suspension - A bondage technique wherein the submissive’s weight, totally or  partially, is borne by the restraints used in the bondage. Great care must be  exercised in this practice; usually, bondage harnesses and suspension cuffs are  used in suspension.
                Suspension  cuffs - Wrist and/or ankle restraints designed specifically  for safe       suspension.  [see Cuff, Cuffing; Suspension]            
Switch - 1) A person who enjoys taking either side in SM role or physical play;  i.e. top or bottom, dom or sub. 2) A slender flexible branch from a tree or  bush used for corporal punishment.
    Tampon  training - Rectal insertion of tampons by male submissives to  empathize with the female menstrual cycle.       Tantric  Yoga, Vajrayana Buddhism - Indian means for achieving a  transcendent         spiritual  state that incorporates sexual and meditative techniques. There are many       paths  to enlightenment and erotic exploration is one.
            Tawes.  taws - Thick rigid leather with a lengthwise slit (or  slits) in it used in a paddlelike fashion.
                Thud - A blow that is felt at a deeper level than sting, Thud is usually  easier to tolerate, but may actually be more damaging as it can cause deeper  bruising.
                Tit  torture - Erotic play involving the breasts.
     Tolleyboy - A locking chastity belt made in England of rubber-lined stainless  steel.
                Top -  One who takes the active role in physical scene, but not necessarily       emotional/mental  control.
            Top's  disease - A state of self-delusion wherein the top believes  his own fantasy of dominant superiority.
                Topping  from the bottom - Maintaining the fiction that the top  is in charge, where the real control and direction of a scene rests with the  bottom. [see also, Bottoming from the top]                
Top-space - A state of erotically altered consciousness (EAC) achieved during a  scene by the dominant or top. It is characterized by feelings of intense focus,  clarity of thought, a sense of extreme power or high energy, and/or  exhilaration. Feelings of distance and objectivity, as if one where commanding  from a mountaintop, may paradoxically accompany feelings of connection to the  submissive, as if there were a psychic link. A dispassionate perspective may  combine with erotic ardor. Top space may be followed by either a continued  sense of well-being or by feelings of fatigue, depression, or lethargy. [see  Post-scene plunge]                
Torture - Actions that would be painful outside of their erotic context used to  enhance sexual pleasure for a bottom.
                Total  conversion or the "ouchless ouch" - Whips strokes  or corporal stimuli delivered during an erotic scene that begins light and  rises gradually. The level of sexual arousal is always kept at a high enough  level so that the blows are never experienced subjectively as pain.
                Training - Any of many disciplines wherein the dom and sub act together to modify  the  sub’s behavior, condition, and/or  attitude. Includes, but is not restricted to; pony training, anal training,  position training, voice command response, and so on.
                TS,  Transsexual - A person who born in a physical gender that does not  match his or her personal psychology. These people are commonly going through  "gender       reassignment"  by means of counseling, hormone treatments, and surgery to correct their  situation. A TS is called a "pre-op" before surgical modification and  a "post-op" afterwards.
    TV,  Transvestite - A man or woman dressing in the clothing of the  opposite gender.
       True  Master/True submissive - A term of self-description usually  used by incompetent newcomers or lost-in-fantasy others to entice a people to  play with them. The "True Submissive" (or more typically "Tue  slave") is one who buys into the nonsense that the "Tue Master"  is selling. "True sadomasochism" is also used to allude to a  non-existent, "genuine" standard of SM excellence.
                Vampire  glove - Vampire gloves are most often thin leather driving  gloves that have sharp, metal tines or tacks lining the palms. The tines are  typically snap, or rhinestone settings that are poked through the leather from  the inside and glued in place, though some very mean gloves utilize thumb or  carpet tacks. Fur mitts can be embellished with tines in the same manner,  yielding textures from very nice to yowee!    
Vanilla - Describes things, activities and people who are not part of the SM  scene, for example; "We had vanilla sex last night," meaning,  "We had sex without including any SM scene elements."
Verbal  humiliation/abuse - The use of sexual epithets and similar  verbalizations to excite or humble one’s partner. Verbal humiliation is good  when it is used to support the value of the submissive. It becomes abuse when  it is used to tear down the self-esteem of the sub. The line between the two is  not always clear and may vary within one person’s psyche depending upon mood.  Use with caution and sensitivity.                Virgin  rapture - Period of time (often years long) wherein newcomers  are so       overwhelmed  by SM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning  to any other form of sexuality. When the infatuation ends feelings of disappointment  and loss are common. It may be reassuring to know that this is a nomal process  as SM is integrated into a person’s sexuality.
            Vinyl - A material used for fetish fashions. [see PVC]        
Violet  wand - A static electricity generator, frequently with  multiple glass attachments including: globes, thin tubes, fork-shaped tubes,  etc., used to send virtually harmless, violet-colored static  "lightning" to a submissive’s skin.
                Visualization - The use of story-telling and verbal fantasy sharing to achieve a mood  or desired mind set prior to, or during a scene.
                Water  sports - Sexual play involving urine or enemas. [see Golden  Showers and       Enema]            
Weights _ Lead fishing weights or other weights hung from clamps that are  attached to the body to increase torment. [see Clamps, Clamping]    
Whip - A whip is an object used to beat on a submissive. Many people in the  scene use the term whip to include canes, crops, paddles, slappers, etc., as  well as single- and multiple-lash whips.
    Whipping - 1) The act of beating a submissive or bottom. 2) Finishing a rope-end  to prevent fraying by wrapping it with thread or string.
     White  lightning - A common nickname for a white fiber glass or resin  rod often with a leather or rubber handle that is used as a cane. Being much  more dense than ratan, it can inflict deeper damage and the feel is described  as "cutting." [see Cane]        
Worship - 1) To lavish attentions upon a part of the body, usually feet, pussy  or cock. 2) A role playing attitude toward a dominant, typically of a male sub  toward his goddess/mistress.
     Wrapping - Allowing the tips of a whip or cane to strike parts of the body other  than the intended target. For example, aiming for the fanny and hitting it, but  the tips of the whip wrap around the fanny and strike the hip. Bruising on the  hips is often a sign of a careless or incompetent top who is frequently unaware  of the damage that is occurring.
                Wrist  cuffs - Restraints designed to fit the wrists. [see Cuff,  Cuffing]
      X-frame - A stationary bondage frame in the shape of an "X", usually  mounted in a horizontal  position. [see St. Andrew's cross] 

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​I frequently employ suspension techniques to great advantage but there are some concerns. First of all, a good pair of suspension cuffs is a must. I currently make two styles, one semi-traditional and one not. I do not use the traditional 'T' style of suspension cuff, which wraps around the wrist with a tongue leading up between thumb and fingers to the D-Ring. If you think about that design, it forces the subject to bend his/her wrist when grasping the tongue, moving his/her wrist out of its natural position of function, and then you PUT WEIGHT ON THAT? Wrists are only meant to take so much... instead I use a 'Y' shape where the tongue comes up from the band at an angle, allowing it to be grasped in a 'natural position'. The end result is no numbness in the hands or parasthesia (pins and needles) after a few minutes of hanging. In fact, for ANY sustained frame play where weight may be placed upon the wrists for any length of time, I use these.
For more serious suspension work, I use a mitten design, a new style of suspension cuff, fitted around the wrist and over the back of the hand and fingers as they curl naturally around a reinforced bar. Grasping the bar distributes a lot of the weight usually placed on the wrists, allowing for a more comfortable session devoid of most numbness and strain from suspension. I have found an interesting side market for these... Several professional Subs in NYC have bought these from me... You see, if you bend your wrist as you grasp the bar inside, the person tightening it may THINK the wrist is fastened tight but in fact, relaxing the wrist achieves a loose fit... so if one of these subs has a problem, the sub need only release the bar and he/she is out. The other benefit is they look big and ominous <g>.
Other considerations in Suspension include the suspension rigging itself... You don't hang a 125# body from a plant hook screwed into the plaster of a ceiling... you need to suspend from proper hardware fixed to supporting members of a frame or structure. The other consideration is 'load bearing weight'... Without getting into physics or structural strengths of materials, if a rope says 200 lb test, consider that that is 200 lbs. of 'dead weight'. People wriggle and jiggle... 'Active weight' is considered usually to be FIVE TIMES the 'dead weight... So if you have a 200lb suspendee, you need something calculated out to 1000 lbs test.
When suspending someone, always consider safety aspects... are they strong enough to be suspended... if they can't hold themselves up for thirty seconds, I wouldn't suspend them longer than that... they're not built for it... Folks with shoulder and rotator cuff problems are Right Out<tm>. And consider your 'out'... keep a chair or stool handy so that they can stand... sometimes they just need a sec, sometimes they need Down Right Now<tm>. And if they are completely lost to you? Invest in some Harness (Breakaway) Clips from your local tack shop. These are designed to release if 500 or 1000 lbs are placed on them (ie A horse suddenly panicking trying to bolt...). The nice thing about these, as opposed to boathooks which are weaker than they seem, is that they do not require you to lift a sagging form to release him/her... They open right up and you can safely take them down.
Finally, let's be realistic folks... We're not suspending someone over the Grand Canyon or a bed of spikes... we're creating a Scene here... a foot or two off the ground should be more than sufficient to create the illusion and sensations desired here, especially if your subject is blindfolded... Start slowly, test your equipment and remember 'Gryphon's Golden Rule: Don't Be Stupid, Don't Be a Jerk <tm>'. As with any new play, approach it slowly, intelligently, and cautiously... and enjoy your introduction to Swinging in a more literal sense! 

• Cross-dressing
•                 
• Bondage and  discipline
•                 
• Medical  rooms
•                 
• Nurse  Fantasy
•                 
• Doctor On  Duty
•                 
• torment/torture
•                 
• Trampling  and smothering                
• Verbal  abuse
•                 
• Novices
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• Spanking,  paddling and caning
•                 
• Face  slapping and spitting
•                 
• Tickling  torture
•                 
• Role play  Boot and shoe worship
•                 
• Foot  worship
•                 
• Puppy  training
•                 
• Play  piercing
•                 
• Kneeling  torture
•                 
• Abrasion  torture
•                 
• Latex  worship

                

•      
• Leg worship
•                   
• Medical  sessions
•                 
• Aroma  worship
•                 
• Boxing
•                 
• Modeling  for photographs
•                 
• Mummification
•                 
• Blindfold  torture
•                 
• Breath  control
•                 
• Nurse-patient
•                 
• Boot  worship
•                 
• Bondage
•                    
• Body fight
•                 
• Pain  torture
•                 
• Bondage and  discipline
•                 
• Paddle  spankings
•                 
• Caning
•                 
• Role Play
•                 
• Chain  bondage
•                 
• torture/bondage/whipping
•                 
• Sissy girl  training

                

• Corporal  punishment Smothering
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• Cross  Dressing Slut training
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• Extended  sessions
•                 
• Female  boss-male employee
•                 
• humiliation/abuse
•                 
• Flame play  Vibrator torture
•                 
• Whipping  and flogging torture
•                 
• French maid  servitude
•                 
• Hairbrush  spankings
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• Hair  pulling
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• High heel  worship
•                 
• Hot wax
•                 
• Human  ashtray
•                 
• Human  furniture
•                 
• Human puppy  dog (cage training)
•                 
• Humiliation
•                 
• Ice cube torture
•                
•  Infantilism
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• Kidnapping
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• IF YOU DONT SEE SOMETHING YOU ARE INTERESTED IN TRYING PLEASE ASK THE OPERATOR, JUST BE CAREFUL WITH WORDING SO THEY CAN ASSIST YOU LEGALLY!!!!!